When I was 19 I had a decent job and I moved in with my boyfriend (later know as my husband The SeaMonkey) My parents weren't much on pushing, or directing, or even guiding. They would encourage. That was ok. I didn't have to argue with them because when I made my choices I was sure that I knew everything and I was always right. Many things I didn't give up on, I just never got around to them...yet. It worked out just fine. I have no regrets about my decisions. I also never had any doubt that if I had chosen a different path I would have succeeded as well.
But always at the back of my mind I wondered if I had been enouraged, pushed, or guided, or even directed, I would have chosen a different way. This put me in a conundrum, because if that had happened, I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't have......yeah.
So when I had my daughters I decided it would be best to encourage, of course, and absolutely to guide and to sometimes direct but not to push. That way I would know that they knew they had carefully considered all of their possibilities and followed the right path. Because I know everything and I am always right I knew that this would work beautifully.
On my very first post on this blog I wrote that the main thing I had learned as a parent is that in Nature verses Nurture; Nature Wins. I began the blog because having survived my oldest daughters decisions I was now dealing with The Middlests decisions. And still trying to encourage, direct and guide.
Long ago on this blog I also wrote a post called The Letter.
When Biggest was 19 she wrote her father and me a letter. While at that time she didn't use the words "you were right." She did use these:
"I know I've pulled a lot of stunts and I'm sure I'll have more, but thanx for always being there, and I'm sorry for those stunts. I know I put Ya'll through a lot"
Also,
"If I apologize for everything it will take a book so I hope you know all the things I did I'm sorry for and thankful that Ya'll still talk to me, and most of all I love you very much".
Thank You. You're a good girl and I love you.
My Middlest is turning 19 this week.
She called me and said;
I've had an epiphany. I saw what I have lost. Everything I threw away. I'm so sorry mom. I screwed up. I made so many mistakes and I screwed everything up. You were right. And I will listen to everything you tell me from now on because:
"You Do Know Everything."
and
"You Are Always Right."
Well. Yeah.
But what do I say now? I have talked till I'm blue in the face, talked till I'm hoarse, talked to a wall, talked to myself. At this point what else is there to say?
I said, Thank You. Later, when she was here I told her, "you're a good girl and I love you." I also told her that it's not too late. It's never too late. Things may be harder. There are no quarantees. But. You never know unless you try. And only try if YOU want to. I say focus. Pick one thing to stick to. Then do it. That's all that's left for me to say. She does. For a day or so. Then more ideas come or return. She shoves them in her basket too. She'll get around to them. It's never too late. These are her decisions. I cannot choose them for her.
Over the past year Middlest has gone through a plethora of ideas. Her thoughts float out in all directions and waft away. They roll in and suck out like the tide only to roll back again. Become full and round then dwindle to crescents and swell full again.
She is turning nineteen. She hasn't given up on school. She has a decent job. Her boyfriend is in the process of buying a house and she's moving in with him. ( Any resemblance to her mother is purely a coincidence and means nothing ; )
I say: As long as you believe in it that is all that matters. As long as YOU are happy with the decisions that is all that matters. As long as you can feed yourself that is Really all that matters. Whatever you do will be alright, as long as you carry on.
I say Happy Birthday to My Moonlight!
...because my Moonshine don't sound quite right....
Middlest Music
© 2012 All Rights Reserved by MOTPG
I agree that the bottom line is to do what is best for us, not necessarily what others think is best for us. And nothing has to be permanent; things can be changed over time.
ReplyDeleteThat is so true. I tell them all the time that a decision made to day doesn't have to be set in stone for life. It can be a stepping stone.
DeleteI always encouraged mine to choose what was right for them and they haven't always made good choices. I can't change that, (I didn't get a vote) but I still love 'em.
ReplyDeleteMtoo Ms. A! I had a house full of them last night and I'm glad they actual;ly like to be around me even if they don't listen to me : )
DeleteDaring, I talked chemical engineering to my daughter from the time she was 4. I encouraged, I pressured, I cajoled, and when she was 14 she told me her life's goal was to be a "Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader". Uh huh. At forty, she is the mother of a 16 year old girl and a 19 year old boy. She and her husband own a security firm, and are fine. (I was worried a lot f the time over the teen years though.)
ReplyDeleteMy son is a partner in a big Cali law firm. That little pot smoking punk turned around. I worried but he's fine. Look at the bright side! They will be fine!
Just like me and The SeaMonkey, hee hee : )
DeleteWow. I want to be a Mom like you.
ReplyDeleteThanks, but I don't know Allison. I spend alot of time wondering if I missed some essential nutrient when I was pregnant ; )
DeleteWow! I wish someone told me.to stick to one thing. your.oldest sounds Luke me and your middlest said what I felt as a teen. but I would never ever tell my mom she knows it all. LOL
ReplyDeleteMe too Nicole. I could have used more input for sure!
DeleteYou need to still be here 12 years from now when I may be dealing with all this!
ReplyDeleteI'll write you a list. I'm planning on going into hiding in one year, two weeks and three days- before they get a chance to start calling me to ask what to do with the grandchildren ; )
Deleteoh crap. i'm glad you said it's never too late. i feel like mid, and i'm 20 years older, going through my second adult identity crisis, only now i need to feed more mouths. SIGH.
ReplyDeleteI'm Mid 30 years later Elissa and I would say I think you and I have both chosen a wonderful path. If we do anything else that's awesome too but if we don't we've done enough : )
DeleteI'm probably doing it wrong. I hammer in my two goals for careers almost everyday. Do well in school and don't be poor. you know how much this sucks. Find something that you don't hate. Seems realistic...
ReplyDeleteSo far one wants to be a food critic and the other a farm vet. Weird I know...but sounds decent to me!
No, I think you're doing it right. That's sound advice. And it sounds like your kids have realistic and interesting goals. When mine were little one wanted to be a chimpanzee researcher, one a whale trainer and the other one in the military. Now I have a Vet Tech, a Sandwich Maker/Artist...and one that wants to be in the military : )
DeleteYou are so wise!
ReplyDeleteI have a hard time with NOT pushing ( and nagging and controlling and so forth and so on)....but, like you, I've always wondered what I might have done with my life if anyone had pushed me. I think that's why I try to hard to push my kids and try to get them to strive for more - because I don't want them to look back and have regrets.
Great post! Haappy Birthday to middlest!
Exactly! I have tried to get them to strive for more and I do nag and have been controlling. I just have be very careful not to be obviously pushing because I have the kind of kids who will dig in and do the exact opposite just to prove that they are right and know everything. Apples-Trees, you know how it goes : )
DeletePrimatologist mother. I wanted to be a primatologist. Chimpanzee researcher? Really?
DeleteWell pardon me. Primatologist. I was going to use Primatologist but considered that at the time you were specifically interested in chimps. If you notice I also used bad grammar with 'her father and I' instead of 'father and me.' and I did notice it but I. dont. care. OMG I fogot my apostrophe! And even if I had forgotten, I am old and tired and sometimes forget YOUR NAME. As you should have noticed when you were here the other day and I was calling you and went through your sisters names and possibly one of the cats before getting it right ; )Luv Ya. Thank you for taking care of your furry brother Pfynny yesterday.
DeleteP.S. I kindly did not mention the time you got to meet Jane Goodall but were afraid to speak
I long for the day I receive that letter. Somehow though, at this point with my 16 year old son, I just can't see it. I like your daughters better.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure, but judging from my brothers, I think boys tend to do it by suddenly doing things without being asked and buying you something pretty when they're old enough to afford it. But I didn't get any boys so I'll be lugging my own groceries in my walker ; )
DeleteThey grow and change, but always need their mommies.
ReplyDeleteI think so. The Seamonkey mentioned the other day that he was looking forward to Littlest graduating and having a 'grown up' life again. I said, "You realize they aren't going anywhere don't you?" : )
DeleteYou make me cry with what a cool mother you are.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had grown up with a mother like you: telling the truth, being there to speak about it all: like a GOOD friend.
Thank You Alexandra : ) I feel hopeless and helpless as a mother sometimes, but I feel better when they acknowlege that I tried!
DeleteMiddlest might be my soul sister; I never met an idea I didn't like. And yeah, I too adore my mom.
ReplyDeleteI can definitely see that and I can't think of a comparison that would put me more at ease : ) Any soul sister of The Middlest has a fine soul indeed.
DeleteYour mom is Awesomeness!
Happy Birthday to your girl and congratulations on hearing the words that every mother wants to hear - "You were right.". I have a few years to go before I hear it, hell, my kids are so stubborn, I may never. But, I have the hope that they will keeping me sane. ;)
ReplyDeleteThank You! I bet you'll hear it in one form or another. I don't know if I'll ever be sane again : )
Delete