Rebel Without a Valid Excuse

Tonight is Littlests' Prom Night. We began preparing well ahead of time. Dress, shoes, accessories. We had an in depth conversation about whether a strapless bra was necessary for her dress. We determined that it had good structure and it really wouldn't be needed. So....last night about 9 PM she says, I think I should get a strapless bra. What? We decided it doesn't need it. Well, she says, I think I would rather have one. Just to play it safe.  Can I get out of school early to get it?

Just the other day at dinner, The SeaMonkey mentioned that the school year is almost over and next year was Littlests' last year. For 20 years our lives have been dictated by school. Everything has to work around school schedules." Finally, he exclaimed, we will be free of the public school system!" "Yay, No More School",  I added,  and then we simultaneously burst into "School's Out Forever", ala' Alice Cooper, while Littlest looked on with a 'yes and I'll be free of you people' look on her face.

 Once the kids were out of preschool we lost flexibility. The SeaMonkey would suggest we take a little time away and I would veto it. We can't do that. The girls have school. They'll get behind on their work. They might miss a test. They can't have an unexcused absence! Why? he would ask. Because they can't! I would answer.  I just knew the entire school staff would stare when I walked by, whispering behind my back, Yes, that's her.  They took their kids out of school to Go On A Trip! No one died or anything. It Was Just For Fun."No wonder her kid was seen wandering around with Steinbeck when she had been assigned great literature, like My Sisters Keeper. And there's a rumor that last one graduated by bribing her teachers with paintings of Tarpon.
 We can't do that, I would explain. We can't break the rules. It's a bad example for the kids. As a result the girls rarely had an unexcused absence. Though I admit last December, when my schedule was nuts and Littlest just had to get some shoes and it was the last day before break, I decided to break my rule and get her out an hour early to buy shoes. I skimmed the check out list at the front office for the 'reasons for leaving'. In a row, doctors appointments and sickness, over and over. I hesitated for a moment and reached for the pen. I wrote: Doctor Appointment. Guilt flooded over me as we walked to the car. I fibbed to the school.  What if they noticed Littlests new shoes and KNEW. They would know I took my child out of school for a frivolous reason and LIED about it. I was a terrible mother.

So  Littlest asked if I could get her out of school early today. She explained that most people didn't even bother to show up and the only reason she had to go was that she had an important test in English, and she didn't slog her way through A Farewell to Arms to fail. But after that there was no reason to be there, and everyone who was would also be leaving early to get ready for prom. I knew this was true. All around town girls would be skipping their final classes and heading out to hair and nail appointments. Nothing would get in the way of the hours of preparation to turn these young ladies into glamour queens. The school, of course, knows this too. They would never condone it. Wink. Wink. Everyone just pretends they didn't know what was going on. After all, it's prom night, at 40 bucks a pop. Wink. Wink. So I said, ok.

I walk casually into the front office behind the two other moms currently checking out their daughters. With only the slightest quaver in my voice I tell the receptionist that I have to check out my child and give her the name. I feel squirmy inside. Am I flushed? Do I seem nervous? Is she going to buy it? If she asks the reason, I'll stutter. I know I'll stutter. She doesn't ask, just points to the check out form. Name. Date. Time. SIGNATURE. Signature. Like an affidavit or something. Is this illegal? How much time can I do for this? But I reach for the pen. I look at the very long list. In the "reason" column is a repeating pattern. Name after name followed by Doc. Appt. Doc. Appt. Doc. Appt. At least 30 names already just on that page. Wow. There must be a plague. I bat excuses back and forth in my head, Doct. Appt? Sickness? Personal Reasons? What should I write? What do I do?  A father comes in behind me. "I'm here to pick up my daughter," he says. And then I made a decision. Yes. I was taking my child out of school for an illegitimate reason. But that's where I drew the line.

I grabbed the pen firmly and signed my name. In bold and plain print I wrote in the last column under Reason For Leaving:

Last Minute Strapless Bra Shopping.

I held my head high, grabbed Littlest, and headed out the door.


I'll be hiding from the truant officers under my bed if anyone needs me.

© 2012 All Rights Reserved by MOTPG

ch ch ch Changes....

Overheard in the kitchen

Mid: If I ever have a shed I'm so gonna paint it blue.

Lit: I know, right.

Now I admit for a few moments I was puzzled. Then it dawned on me.
100 wizard of weirdness points for an explanation.
There is a hint later in this post.

Yesterday morning when I woke up Lit I was confused because her entire room had been changed around. And her light bulbs were missing. So I turned on her bathroom light which started the fan. A little while later I went to make sure she was up and heard her in the bathroom so I moved on. At 6:45 I gave her a warning knock and called out that it was getting late. At 6:55, which is when we leave for the bus stop, I opened her door and she was in the shower. I freaked and called out, "what are you doing? It's time to go!" She said, "What! you just woke me up a few minutes ago." So I had to make the 45 minute drive to her school.  Now, she did not wake up properly because the lamp next to her bed was not turned on. Being half asleep myself, I forgot about the bathroom light/fan and thought I heard her in the bathroom. Then I learned that, though I slept through it myself, she was changing her room around at midnight and crashing things around which woke up her Dad who gave her two warnings to go to bed before he took her light bulbs away. So....

Whose fault is it that she missed her bus?

We noticed our cable bill was OUTRAGEOUS and decided to cut back some. Now I don't watch TV a whole lot but after the change I realized I won't be watching it much at all because I lost almost everything I actually watch. TCM; IFC; ID; Science Ch and LOGO....which means my beloved Buffy is no more.....
I still have History International so this was not as bad for me as it was for Littlest who nearly curled into a ball and died because she lost...
the Military Channel and BBC America.....uh oh.....Luckily we didn't have to call 911 because I grabbed the remote and feverishly flipped to On Demand and Thank God....Dr. Who was there...at least for now. Not so the Military Channel so I think she compensated for that by telling me that she is seriously considering joining the Marines after high school.....I guess if you don't have good cable real life is the next best thing.... And hey, oh joy. somehow, we still get Smoking Gun's Worlds Dumbest.. and MTV....

Speaking of cable and changes.
Biggest and DecentGuy are on a very tight budget so they have the most basic cable of all. As a result these two, who listen to bands like, The Adicts and watch movies like Zombie Strippers, have become addicted to......
OPRAH.
Both Of Them.
Now I spent some time watching Oprah back in 1987 when I didn't have cable at all and she came on right at nursing time for this particular child but over the years I lost track of it, what with having choices like History Detectives and Buffy of course. Now she calls me several times a week to ask, "Did you watch Oprah?"  To which I usually say no but it doesn't matter if I missed it because I'm getting ready to hear the entire episode. The last time they were over she was describing a show and DecentGuy said, "oh yeah, that was a good one and started to talk about it to. ?. She even cried when she watched the Tribute show with Naomi and Wynonna Judd singing along to still photo's, which by chance I did happen to catch because I was flipping through channels and was mesmermized by Wynonna's face which always fascinates me because I think she's a robot.........huh....oh...i'm back. I find it hysterical that these two Former Rebels were enthralled with Oprah and Gails camping trip. They really like Gail by the way. They think she's cool.

Anyway,

Recently I wrote about my parenting rules and Middlest's boyfriend who I felt was too old for her but he was alright and I was starting to resign myself to him even though I thought she was resigning herself to him too and then she dumped him. What happy dance? Am not....anyway. Now that she has 5 whole months of high school left she has finally found some friends who aren't creepy and is dating someone she has known since 3rd grade that she has a lot in common with and she is having a wonderful time being a regular teenager. Which means that she stopped coming home at 9: 30 like she did when dating the older guy and now calls me at ten to eleven every weekend and asks if she can stay out later. She is doing her school work..mostly...she is working...she seems to be truly happy for the first time since she started high school...and it's almost over. But I think she has turned a page. She is becoming stronger and more confident in some ways. Interesting to see what other changes this year will bring. Maybe she will even start picking her underwear up off the bathroom floor.

Littlest is in the midst of a serious decision. She goes to an award winning high school that you must audition for. She loves being a part of the creative writing department there and the prestige and opportunities being one of their students gives her. At the same time she has decided that in general she doesn't really love the school any more. She doesn't have friends there that she feel closely connected to. She is tired...very tired...of the rigorous curriculum and amount of time it takes to be a part of the school. It is a huge commitment. A couple weeks ago she refused to get out of bed one morning. She had writing assignments that weren't finished and she was having a meltdown. She said she loves to write but sometimes she "just can't." I think many of us could identify with that. She can't take the pressure of being required to create for a grade. She refuses to do sub-standard just to get by. All of her grades are falling. I let Mid leave this school after 9th grade because she was not committed. She was wasting their time. Littlest has been committed and worked really hard. She doesn't want to anymore. She says she has no life. That she doesn't think she's going to be a writer. She wants to join the Marines and be a psychologist. In the middle of all this one of her pieces was chosen to be in a reading performance that the department does once each quarter. It it isn't easy to get in. Some kids never do. I wondered if this was a sign. A message to her to hang in there. By coincidence Peryl at Parenting Ad Absurdum  just did a post called Daughters of Mothers Who Roar relating to this article -Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior by Amy Chua.... about pushing our kids. Whether we are hard enough on them.  Sometimes I Roar for a few minutes but then my throat gets raw and I just make a cup of tea and read a book instead. Part of me wants to tell her not to blow this gift she was lucky enough to live near. Stick it out and do what you need to do! Why would you throw away this opportunity that many kids would give anything for? Are you crazy? Well, maybe. When she is crying and having meltdowns and her grades are all falling and she is re arranging her room in the middle of the night because she can't rest. I decided to let her make the decision on her own. I'd be lying if I said I would miss dealing with her frustration and the long hours. I also know this. The school requires you to devote yourself to an art area. Like her sister, Littlest can draw. She also has a unique and lovely singing voice and is interested in musical theatre. At our local high school she can try all of these things. Not in a state of the art award winning facility but decently all the same.

What would you suggest as a parent? Insist she get up, get over it and work? Or, it's been 5 years of this. No harm in two years of regular high school to round her out? Don't be afraid to answer a life altering question for a teenager. Apparently one mom isn't enough. She said to ask for input. The decision she makes will be entirely her own .....Believe Me!


Other than that things around her are about the same. This week they all have PMS. Everyone has cried at least once. But this morning when they came in the kitchen they did some Ninja poses followed by a full scale song and dance performance of Little Bunny Fu Fu, hugged each other violently as a grand finale and still made it out the door on time. So as I look around I realize, Ah, of course.



Moon Music





© 2010 All Rights Reserved

Life In A Box

 

The other night we were sitting around the dinner table and having a discussion about whether college keeps you "in the box" and whether not going may encourage more creative thinking "outside the box" and lead to creation of ideas rather than insertion of ideas. I do want my kids to go to college for the experience and for the opportunities it can point them towards. I want them to be exposed to many ideas as long as they don't lose sight of their own. We discussed examples of people who became successful without a college degree, often by thinking outside the box and also the merits of making the box work for you without sacrificing your integrity or individualism and also the financial aspects when making a choice for, or against college. There is a very interesting article about that here washingtonpost.com .

What is best? Our school systems are "in a box" for the most part due to necessity. Funds and manpower can only be stretched so far. There are programs in some places that offer more individualized learning but they are not the norm. Should we all just sit quietly listening to the same tune over and over, then all pop up at the same time like Jacks in a box? Like a perfectly reproduced pop tart? In order to keep things functioning and compete in the world shouldn't everyone be prepared in the same way? Or should we all follow only a course that feels natural to us? That brings us fulfillment. What would happen to the world? To commerce? To service and government? What if we all decided to become ballet dancers? I have mixed feelings about this. I think it is really important to nurture natural gifts and talents and offer opportunities to those who wish to become skilled no matter what their area of interest. At the same time I worry very much about my children being able to compete for plain old survival in the real world.

My kids were in a gifted program through elementary school that was a part time, two day a week creative thinking/experimental environment type of class. In middle school the gifted program switched to merely an academic performance machine. Ready to turn out highly efficient workers that would proceed to Advanced Placement courses in high school and be college bound and credited before graduation.  One of Middlest life long friends just skipped his senior year. It is cutthroat to get in state college. My girls aren't cutthroat kind of people. Well except Biggest if you make her mad enough but..beside the point.

When Biggest was a child she felt secure in this box. She liked knowing what was expected of her and enjoyed the challenge of "measuring up". She never came out of that box unless she was sure the song was complete and she would shine in the light. She conscientiously strove to meet or beat the criteria and come out on top. She thrived in a systematic learning environment until she died in it. When she couldn't meet her own expectations. When she began to be suffocated in the box she busted out with a bazooka. Unfortunately she blasted a hole in the bottom and fell into a black box. Full of monsters. When we reached in to pull her out she slapped our hands away. She had to bounce off the walls and fight her way through it herself. She found the ladder and came out battered, bruised and behind, but alive. She is just now awakening completely to the possibilities she may have by-passed. She has been outside the box for a long time and quite honestly has done well for herself but with great self awareness she is ready to face it again with the strength to use it to her advantage and not be used up by it.

I think Middlest was conceived outside the box like an ectopic pregnancy on the womb of standardized learning. She has been doing her own thing since day one. She is more like a Jack who escaped on it's spring and bounces from one wall to another constantly springing in a new direction. When she wants to learn she immerses herself and then moves on and has no interest in repeating herself. Year after year I have the same reports. When she does her work she does great work. The problem has always been that she is reading, writing or drawing instead of doing her work. She only does what she wants to do. She is inflexible. Common sense would say that this child could breeze her way to a teaching degree specializing in reading. The experts say that this is a highly needed profession and a good choice for the future. She wants to be an artist. She is very good. Will her creativity feed her? It's hard to say. Will college allow her creativity to flourish or stifle it? Will she be splashed across galleries someday or  in a box designing a shoe box so that she can eat? Will it make her legitimate?  Should she skip college and set up shop on a street corner? Will she have to hold up a sign saying, "Will paint you for food?" Littlest could stand next to her with one that says, "Will insult you for food."
I seriously don't know. And at this point, if she doesn't pray for the gift to speak in tongues, Middlest may be in danger of not graduating in time because of German. Who does that happen to? Why did she even take German, which would come in handy to be a Lutheran  minister ( We are LCMS so only men allowed), an opera singer ( she can't carry a tune) or maybe work at Epcot? Though she once expressed an interest in working at Disney- as a Disney Princess. The kind that only ride the floats and waves so that singing wasn't required....anyway...so why German instead of Spanish or French like 98% of her class. Well, because Spanish and French are taken by 98% of the class...and ...well...there you go....

So far Littlest has been the one best able to balance. She can climb in and out of the box at will. When the tune finishes what pops out depends on what the tune was. When necessary she is diligent about conforming to expected standards. She likes to know the rules so that she can follow them to the letter. She wants everything pointed out in minute detail so that she does not vary from the correct course. She does not like it. She finds it boring and pointless and complains about it endlessly but she does it. At the same time, when it comes to her free time and personal thought she not only gets outside the box, she twists the lines to the extreme. She is more "out there" than any of us which in some ways makes her the most "well rounded".

Which is why when we were talking about "the box" she stayed relatively quiet while the SeaMonkey discussed the truth that higher education is not always requisite to success and  Middlest espoused the benefits of going against the grain until a pause in the conversation left Littlest the opportunity to cheerfully pipe up in a moment of silence with

"I Think Inside The Circle"

Exactly.

Whereupon our intellectual conversation culminated with Middlest snorting milk out her nose.

So, I don't know. I want my kids to be able to thrive in the modern world and be self sufficient. But I want them to pop up to a tune they composed themselves.

Is this even possible?
Should schools strive to accommodate a variety of learning styles?
Or is it more important to be disciplined and 'standards' based  to compete on a global scale?
Are some people more cut out to work their way up than learn their way out?

Or will my daughters end up in a creatively decorated Cardboard Box?


© 2010 All Rights Reserved

Reaping The Harvest Moon

I posted my moon music early because my family started celebrating the full moon last week. They have been crying for 10 days straight. Sometimes taking turns. Sometimes in groups. Reaching their peak on Monday, which is when all of them cried. By 8:30 am I was picking up two daughters. One who walked out on her job and the other from school. At the end of the day Littlest came home and said "oh, I cried today too. But they're used to me at my school." What are they crying about? Let's see.

Biggest: Just can't stop crying. She said everything was making her cry. She left work early twice last week and on Monday she walked in to work and noticed her schedule had changed and became hysterical. She doesn't really know why. Maybe it's because she's reached the ripe old age of 23 and hasn't been to Africa yet. This has been a dream of hers since she was around 9 and wanted to be Jane Goodall when she grew up.  Luckily her employers are the kindest, most understanding people I can imagine and they love her. They said come back when you're ok. They are awesome.

Littlest: Is over stressed at her school. She says she started crying because she had to write an essay on a life changing event and she just couldn't think of anything to write. Obliviously she hasn't been to Africa either.  Her day begins at 5:30 am. She is on a bus at 7. She steps off the bus at 4:30 in the afternoon. She has 5 core courses and 3 intensive writing courses that expect written work at the same time. She hysterically told me that the school was killing her and she just couldn't do it. I said, "You can leave. It's ok. Your sister left and you can go to the same school as her." But No. She refuses to go to the regular high school because it "sucks". She hates the people that go there. So apparently there is no solution. Why does she hate the idea of that school so much? Here's why.

Middlest: Cried because the dog ripped a hole in her jeans and because she tried to get a water out of the machine at school and got an orange juice instead. She cried because like every year she was anxious for school to start. She was ready to start fresh and she didn't even have to go to Africa. She bought brightly colored pretty clothes. She had a very positive attitude.

Middlest tends to be a target. It doesn't make much sense. I'm going to be straight up about the things kids pick on each other for. She looks like an average teen girl. I think she is an attractive girl. She wears decent clothes and nothing that stands out for attention. She is very smart but not at all a geeky I love my A's type. She is very talented, but humble about it and acknowledges and admires students who are more skilled than herself. What is it? Possibly this.
She is willing to be herself and that person is not afraid to be goofy. She is not embarrassed to be herself even when she is breaking out, or wearing her glasses, or feels like singing out of tune out loud or dancing in the rain in the school courtyard. She does not conform to the mold." And that is unforgivable. I don't know why she let's them intimidate her but they do.
Last week it was time for school clubs to begin. Middlest has avoided the clubs because she never felt comfortable with the kids in them. This year they started a club that is based on Challenge Day. Check the link if you aren't familiar with it. It's about trying to teach teens to be more understanding of each others differences. Build a bridge so to speak. You don't have to cross it but at least respect it. Middlest has always thought Challenge Day was kind of cool and she thought she would check out the club and that it would be interesting to help organize the event this year. When she came home I asked her how it went.

"I didn't go to that one"

"Why not, I think you would be good at it?"

"I looked in the door and it was all the people who have been picking on me and making my life miserable for the past two years."

"Well, that seems like people who need to be involved with it. You should go and give it a chance. Isn't that the whole purpose?"

" I don't want to be around them. They are all the girls who don't like me. They talk about me and make fun of me"

"If they are there maybe they are growing up a little bit and are making changes in their lives. Wouldn't this be the perfect opportunity to fix this problem and maybe make some new friends?"

"They don't really care about it Mom. They are only there because it looks good on their college apps."

Yes. I see. I feel a little bit like crying too.

P.S. I am completely aware that this post is rambling and kind of pointless but I am under a busy schedule and big work load right now with about 5 minutes of free time each day. Between that and navigating the puddles from the meltdowns, I simply needed a vent.

This post has been edited. If the early comments seem strange it is because I posted a photo of Middlest with the question "can you see the target painted on this girl?" for a few hours but didn't want to leave it up very long as it breaks my blogging rules. I just couldn't resist the temptation ; )

 © 2010 All Rights Reserved

In My Opinion (Commentary from Middlest)

(Middlest speaks for herself in answer to my previous post)


Hi, I am Middlest, as described in several of my mom’s posts. Yes, I did fail AP Lang. Yes, I refused to do my work. Yes, I drew instead of working with people who dislike me greatly (my teacher Constantly placed me in a group with these particular individuals who didn't even understand what we were working on). I don't like analyzing things, because, honestly, I highly doubt the writer intended that rock or hairbrush to have any real significant meaning. Also, as my mom said, I finished the reading assignments in days. The teacher didn't even give us the assignments to go along with it until she decided we were at that particular point. This bothers me greatly. I finish a book, I remember the main and even average details. Then two months later she tests me on "what shoes were Daisy wearing and why were they significant to the story". I find this utterly ridiculous. But, really, it isn’t even as simple as that. My frustration is deeply seeded.


I have always been a reader; I love books and words passionately. I can read up to three books (average sized, 200 page range) a day if I’m in the mood. I’ve probably spent more time reading than anything else. At some point I discovered writing. The first instance was in the third grade, when my teacher adored a story I wrote. I didn’t think much of it then, I just wrote like my then favorite author, Brian Jacques (side confession, I still read his books). Then in sixth grade, I wrote a poem in my Language Arts class. My teacher (a lovely woman who I still admire and look up to) had me read it in front of the class. When I finished, she said “It looks like we have a poet in the class”. Something clicked. I began to write and write and write. Nonstop. I loved it. I’d found a new way to use the words I loved so dearly. My teacher put me into her advanced writing class. (I attended a middle school designed for the arts, though I was there for orchestra, having been a cellist back then.) She became my idol and I went out of my way to impress her. I wanted her to praise my writing. It made me feel accomplished at something. She seemed to enjoy my work, which just fed my love for writing.

So, as most of the kids in my writing class did, I decided to go the arts high school for writing. I thought it would be the same and my teachers would be just as lovely as my wonderful mentor. But I quickly discovered how wrong I was. Where I had freedom in middle school, I was placed in a box here. My new writing teacher was a rather odd, scary man who preached contemporary writing. Everything was cliché, using big, beautiful words was a sin in his writing congregation. My writing freedom was yanked from beneath my feet. There I had to copy other writers who, in my opinion, were quite awful. The poetry I used to enjoy became torture, for I knew the next day it would be torn to shreds by competitive, arrogant freshmen who wanted to please the almighty King of Contemporary Literature. Here is where my hatred for every pin and thimble having sacred meaning became rooted. We were required to have“intent” with every piece. Slowly but surely, I began to cringe at the very thing I had loved.

I was also in an essay writing class, with a different teacher. The Grammar-Nazi Supreme. I’ve never been one for non-fiction, so I was already out of my comfort zone. She decided to “deprogram” us from standardized testing essay styles we’d been taught all our lives. So, were we to return to normal society where standardized testing ruled, we would be inevitably doomed. I didn’t do well in the class, and her constant criticism, telling me I didn’t want to be there, wilted and broke me down.

So, due to my stubborn nature and hatred for this confined box they kept me in, I ended up failing out of the school. I entered our local public school. (Having spent four years in the sheltered world of the magnet program, I was terrified.)

Now, two years later, I have failed AP Lang, much to the surprise of everyone. Simply, I didn’t want to do it anymore. I spent the first nine weeks kissing butt and showing off. For the first time, I received no acknowledgement for knowing my way around the English world. I could spend whole class periods being the only one to answer questions, but still there was not even a smile from the woman at the head of the class. So I shut down. I already knew most of what was being taught, so doing the work didn’t bring me any sense of accomplishment. I usually looked to praise in order to achieve that. In the absence of praise, I didn’t see the point in bothering anymore. I read the assigned books. I took the tests. That was the extent of it though. I could get much more satisfaction out of the two hours by drawing something beautiful, rather than reading and “analyzing” yet another essay on feminism or eating babies.

So, I admit to failing, and it being my fault. But I’m not ashamed of failing. It’s not because I’m stupid. Or I didn’t understand. The class just went too slowly for my taste. If I bothered to do the work it took me a matter of minutes. There is no achievement in it, so there was no point. I felt it was a waste of time, and yes, I did have to sacrifice three or four days of my summer for it. And a vacation. Which I’m sorry for. But what’s done is done, and I still would rather be drawing.

(As for my GPA and college, there is concern, but I, this may so like arrogant teenager speaking and it may be, usually figure something out in situations like these. I have another year. I’ll make good grades. And see where that gets me. Otherwise, it’s just a couple classes. If I have to do it again, I’ll do it again. If I can’t make it into college, I’ll figure something else out. Sure life will be a little harder, but really, it’d be hard either way.)



 -Middlest, the Oblivious

And there you have it! Motpg.


© 2010 All Rights Reserved

Brag, Nag or just cry a little bit?

 As some of you may know Middlest is a super smart girl who rocks the Language Arts but......only if she feels like it. She just (almost) finished Junior year in high school where she was in an AP or college level Language Arts & Comp. class . She chose to be in this class rather than an easier one because she had the qualifications to take it. She has been submerged in this subject since 6th grade including extra writing and literature classes through 9th grade while she attended  a school for the arts. She transferred to a regular high school sophomore year.

Let's put it this way:

Her eighth grade class voted her most likely to become a Dictionary Editor!

Halfway through the year she decided to take a vacation. She said she had been doing this stuff since 9th grade and she was just sick of it. She was in class every day. She read all the assigned books and finished them in days while the rest of the class took weeks to read through them and do assignments in sections. She didn't do the accompanying work. I think she drew pictures instead. If she didn't do well on a test her excuse was: "I finished it almost two months ago how am I supposed to remember all the details now. She should have just given me the test when I finished the book."
If I suggested she just take her time and do it along with the class in stages her answer was: "Why? It's stupid. I'd rather just get it finished."

Early in the year I contacted her teacher by email about some issues she would face with Middlest and the best way to deal with her and tactics for getting the most out of her. I tried to give her a clear understanding of how Middlest operates from things Middlest has told me herself ( For instance she does not work well in groups and is capable of meltdowns when trying to deal with others ) and from what I have experienced while raising my child for 16 years. I told her that I expected Middlest to take responsiblity for herself and that I would not be hovering and passing the class for her but that I would be "paying attention to what her assignments are and whether she was keeping up" . I told her that Middlest would be obtuse and (tried to find a nice way to describe) arrogant and at the same time she thrived on praise but that she would flat out quit if she felt discouraged in her efforts. The answer I received-contradicted me,- "the quotes are my thoughts",- with an opinion on how she knew the kids should be responsible but sometimes just needed a little push, "no sh*t " and  that she seemed upset at working in a group the other day but appeared to get over it, "because she started drawing instead of doing the assignment," and that she could send home more progress reports if I like to keep up with how she was doing. "Can you read?"  So ok, never mind, waste of time. I'll be reasoning with and grounding her when necessary on principle even though it's pointless on this end while we just sit back and watch her fail your class.

The classes were concentrated on analyzing and finding meaning in the works and writing essays. Middlest often takes a different turn from what is accepted as obvious. She has very strong opinions and she isn't going to change them because someone else sees things another way. She is Masterful in composing essays.  She knows what the teachers are looking for but often she would rather get an F than compromise her own reasoning. She will enjoy arguing her point if it is taken in to consideration. She will not concede to another point if it is a matter of interpretation. Her reasoning, this IS what it means to ME. Therefore it can't be incorrect "for me".
  As an exaggerated example: If she decided Tom Sawyer was really an Alien she would write a perfectly executed essay with precise details and clear reasoning on how she came to this conclusion.
   So anyway.....If she is not getting credit because she is asked to write an essay that asks for an interpretation and then her opinion is deemed wrong she gets an attitude.  She will read the assigned work and skip doing all the assignments and just pass any technical tests because honestly she did learn all this stuff 3 years ago and she really is tired of it.

The result; She failed the second semester. Her final exam score was a 36%. Do I believe she scored this badly? I actually am not so sure. She has never scored that low on any test and she said that she wasn't presented with much she wasn't familiar with and was truly surprised with that grade. If she had done well on the test she would have passed the class with a D. Perhaps the grading was a matter of interpretation ; )
Did I question her score? No. It's possible she completely flubbed it but,
   She took her 1st round junior year SAT cold with no preparation or studying at all and scored Very Well.
 I will be very interested next month to see what she scored on the official AP exam for the class that gives them college credit if they pass it. It is a very difficult test and I am told they usually don't do well when they take them in Junior year but it's good practice.
  So while I am very proud of her smarts I am also frustrated as hell with her behavior.
She sat around while other students worked their butts off. She deserved some kind of repercussion. I don't know if her teacher felt this too or if the protocol was that a D would have set her GPA low and passing summer school which is a standard class would give her a much higher score in the end.
I didn't question it because of the reasons above.

She did summer school for math a couple years ago and really didn't care that she had to. Now she is older and had a little more to lose, like time with her boyfriend, OR Like our family vacation. Which we now cannot take because the classes started the only week we would have free. We are not always able to go on one but thought we could manage it this year. ( digression while I take a moment to weep in self pity) I am lucky to live where I do. Other people come to places like this for vacation. But I am ungrateful. I have been wading through heat and humidity 8 months of the year for my entire life. Endless greenery with no change in scenery. If I never saw another palm tree in my life I would be pleased. The first time I remember seeing a mountain I was 8 years old and I fell in love. I have been pining ever since. The thought of it can bring tears to my eyes. But no.
(We had to think of something else to amuse us and keep us busy, more about that next week)

Summer school is an online course where they can work at their own pace but are required to attend 3 hours at school in the morning and estimate at least 3 to 4 hours a day will be necessary from home afterwards to complete the course within 6 weeks.

I thought that since I was not getting out of here for awhile (which can seriously make me insane) she really deserved to have to get up early and be in class at 7 a.m. and spend her days doing English since she seemed to think she was above it. I figured if we were going to suffer she certainly Deserved To Suffer too. No sleeping in, No beach. School night hours. Pay for being a slacker. Since it was only one semester it probably wouldn't take her the whole time but at least she would be learning a lesson.

So she started the course this Monday and she called me an hour early Friday to pick her up because......

she was finished....

She scored an A. If she had goofed off for the entire year she could have fixed it in Gasp!...2 Weeks!

This whole thing is ridiculous. It was 1st come 1st serve and always ends with a waiting list so I knew to be there early to sign her up. Some kid who is really struggling could have used that seat. Hopefully one will get in without being a week behind making it more difficult. She also did ok in math this year but is very weak in the subject and would have benefited more from extra work in that.

4 1/2 months of slacking fixed by 4 1/2 days of work.
Just long enough to lose my vacation.

So,
What did this experience teach her?

That She Really Does Know It All

She piddled around in Chemistry most of the year and passed  because this teacher has some radical ideas about individual learning and when he saw she wasn't participating and would certainly fail the class he actually accomodated her with extra credit work that would draw her interest, within his syllabus. She managed to ace the final and her teacher gave her extra classwork points for drawing him a frameable quality comic strip titled:

" How to Fail Chemistry."


Her German 2 teacher did everything he could by giving her extra points every time she wore cowboy boots to school and we had a pretty decent winter to give her the chance to wear them but not often enough, so that didn't work out too well. She will be giving up an elective next year to retake the class.


Bragging about her smarts doesn't make her use them. Nagging about her smarts doesn't slightly move them.
And yeah, I tried crying too but that didn't work either......


Someone tell me you have horribly frustrating kids too......otherwise I'll just keep whining.....because we have a whole Senior year to get through......

UPDATE: She made a qualifying grade on the AP exam. She passed it.



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What Grounded Teens Do For Entertainment.

Watch The Grass Grow Of Course

This is a photo of Middlest taken by Middlest. It's one I figured I could get away with so if you recognize those dirty feet let me know because I'll have to take it off!

The problem with grounding Middlest is that Middlest doesn't usually seem to have a problem with it. She is perfectly content to roll around in the yard by herself. She has always been able to amuse herself with few resources.
She has no learning or attention disorders.  She has tested out as gifted. She has been barely passing in school for years. She is what is known as a gifted underachiever. She has 1 year and 1 month left before graduation.

So what do you do when grounding doesn't work? When explaining falls on deaf ears. When pleading is pointless and nagging is a no no. What do you do when you not only point them in the right direction but hand them the arrows, give them the tool box,  pack a healthy lunch,  screw the wheels on tight and set them firmly on the right track. Nudge them forward or if necessary give them a kick in the butt. And still....
They start to roll backwards
Or tip over
Or just stand there and watch the grass grow under their feet?

   For most of elementary school I would have to let her teachers know that her work was probably crammed somewhere in her school desk, along with the socks and whale drawings and whatever book she was reading instead of doing her work until you caught her. By the time she started 5th grade I had to step back and let her take responsibility for herself on some level or she would never learn. I couldn't always bail her out. When her grades were falling they called me in for a conference.
I explained. No, she is not struggling. I have to let her take some knocks or she will never learn to fend for herself. She is grounded. But the problem is she does not care. The only thing left to take from her would be her books but I didn't feel that was the way to go. Her math teacher actually suggested maybe I should do that, "her mother had". I said, "I don't know" I thought, "Maybe that's whats wrong with you". She was a screamer. That is one thing my kids can't abide, a screaming teacher.
    They worried about her keeping to herself. They were afraid she might be antisocial. No, she is not antisocial. She has friends, she just doesn't Need them. When they are there she is happy. If they are not she is still happy. What she is is a control freak. A quiet one. Under the radar so to speak.
I told them I hoped she would straighten up because she wanted to play basketball and I told  her she could not unless her grades came up. Their faces were actually stunned. Mid has always been a quiet bookworm. Her teachers seemed shocked when I told them she had  played softball for 4 years. And also that she had been surfing since she was very small. One actually said, "I can't believe it." Yes, she did all of things. But only when she enjoyed them. Her life never revolved around them.
I told them she also was a girl scout and had been playing cello for 2 years. That she would be auditioning for orchestra in the middle school for the arts.
Their reaction was, sounds like a very good idea....ok...never mind.

She played for 5 years and added string bass for one of the years to try it out. She came to us when she was 9 and asked if she could try it. Then she set it down at the end of 8th grade and hasn't picked up the instrument since. I have to admit I miss the music in the house. But it was her choice to begin and therefore her choice to end.

She writes very well. She began to be very "in to" writing  in 6th grade. She filled endless pages and when it was time for the  high school for the arts auditioned as a writer and was accepted. At the end of 9th grade she put down her pen. She still occasionally writes but only for her own amusement. Her highest achievements in school were always language related. For a long time she wanted to be a language arts teacher. She is in an AP or college level/credit language arts class. She was put there because of the skill level she was at. She is in danger of failing the class this semester. It is not to hard. She is tired of Language Arts. She is saturated. She does not want to do it anymore.
She has not listened to me, other family members,  teachers,  counselors or even friends.
She has been grounded for her grades for 7 years now ; )

Middlest always has a A+ in Art.
This is her latest work.

It blows me away.
It is her friend and a perfect likeness ( They also have known each other since 3rd grade &  I just started hearing giggling when they talk.....every day...numerous times....hmm...might explain why they are both failing German...) Anyway...
I am terrified of this talent going to waste.

In all of these years she has still not learned to take responsibility for herself.  She does what it pleases her to do and lets the chips fall where they may.
She has never seemed to comprehend the reality that things won't magically fall into place. When they don't she just shrugs and moves on. I ground her because I feel I should do Something. It is pointless but I have to take a stand somewhere. I am beating my head against a brick wall but trying not to complain about it too much while I do. If you try to talk to her about it you can physically see her dig in her heels and turn off her ears.
I have written about this somewhat before. I am trying to get a grip on it because honestly I just don't know what to do any more.  I am growing weary of worrying about her future.

I know there are many people who become successful by unconventional routes. I am praying that I don't have a stroke trying to keep my mouth shut and that she will find her way.

There is a saying and when I was little I loved the song my mother would sing to me. (Ok, yes we were big Doris Day fans too)

Que Sera Sera.

I think it may be tattooed somewhere into Middlest's DNA

I need it tattooed on my heart.

To help me remember that I have learned it is simply true.

what will be...will be....

I have a need to listen to my favorite song this morning, over and over again.
Join me if you like. (yes I know that ever since I realized my blog wouldn't explode if I embedded code in it I have been inflicting video's on you. This one is always worth the time: )....It's not Que Sera Sera...


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