Seriously..It's Time For Some Foolishness.

My father in law is doing alright.
It's still July...and if you've been around here long enough you know how I feel about that...but why not make the best of it.

I'm still a little scattered and, quite honestly,  I'm so unfocused I accidentally drank dish soap the other day,  so I haven't actually come up with a legitimate post. But I did find myself composing a lovely little song in the kitchen and wanted to share it so that you could enjoy it too.

A Summer Anthem For Moms
Sing to the tune of  "bang on the drum all day" -mostly,  The chorus fits well. On the rest of it, I got tired of trying to make it fit exactly into the meter for every verse on that song..it's ridiculous..so I just wing it ; )

I... don't want to cook
i  want to snack on choc-late all day
I can't stand the heat
So I'm getting outta the kitchen-Ok?

Ever since the summer weather, has taken over here
i avoid the kitchen with an all consuming fear
I'll stay beneath the ac vents, til the thermometer dips
Who needs a heavy meal, why can't we all just eat a bag of chips?

Cause,
I don't want to cook
i want to snack on choc-late all day
I can't stand the heat
So I'm getting outta the kitchen-Ok?

They don't want a fresh salad, they just want me to stay
Beside a hot oven? It's ninety five degrees today!
They want lasagna and broiled chicken with veggies
I have Hotstoveinsummeritis and I swear that is a real disease!

Cause,
I don't want to cook
i want to snack on choc-late all day
I can't stand the heat
So I'm getting outta the kitchen-Ok?......

Most effective when beating on pots and pans while singing.

Serve to your family with take out ; )

© 2012 All Rights Reserved by MOTPG

Rinse and Repeat.....

Ms. G does not like July. I didn't post another tribute to my father this year because that memory, once written, is now neat and tidy and well maintained. But...this one still has some split ends and damage that need a little extra care and conditioning.  This is a Re-Post of my tribute to my eldest brother from 2010.  I finish the countdown. Four days left in July. The 31st is a day for goodbye. Perhaps August will improve my disposition.
 For now, once again ....

I'm Gonna Wash July Right Out Of My Hair!

Fly Bye Originally posted July 29 2010.

I was 5. It was so early it was still dark and I was awakened quietly to say goodbye. Groggy, I stood on the bed and reached my arms out. All was darkness. I could not see you, but I felt the rough fabric of the uniform beneath my hands and the warmth of your cheek. Your hair no longer sweeping my face as you bent for a kiss but shorn beneath a cap. The low rumble of your voice beside my ear....I love you, goodbye. I carried this in my minds eye waiting patiently as was wished, until you were safely home.


I was 9. Suddenly you were Home! And you picked up where you left off.....being my hero.

I was 24. I fully understood the problem and was saddened and helpless about it. I was used to the drinking but now sometimes your eyes were lifeless. I stop by. You are laying on the couch. You are cold and clammy and sweating profusely. I say "whatever you are doing stop it". Please. Just stop. I kiss you goodbye. Whatever it was seemed to stop and the you that had a soul came back but the drinking never stopped. The damage to your body from the years of alcohol was done.

I was 30. When the call comes in the middle of the night, just by chance I am not at home but out of town and actually closer to where you are than the rest of us. I would get there first, I would be there. As we drove through the dark I prayed, in time, in time, please.

As I was walking in a cloud of unreality, through the front doors, you were leaving. They would not let me go farther. I stood there, waiting patiently as they wished. And moments later they said, "we're sorry, we're sorry, no."

And you were alone. I could not reach out...how could this be?

As we drove away that morning the sun was rising over fields of green going gold. The light rising in tandem with our forward journey. I saw the rays light up their wings like sparks shooting upward as they circled and soared and I smiled. At that moment I heard the first notes of the song burst through to me and I reached to turn the knob up until it engulfed me, carrying me with it for awhile and opened the window to fly along through the morning because I knew...

God had allowed you to pause and soar just long enough

To say goodbye.









Google Video
pinkfloyd.com

The lyrics to this song, which I have included at the bottom of the page, were so appropriate to my brother and the situation that I am still stunned by this experience and it is the single most painful but powerfully spiritual moment of my life.

John
my brother
There for me
All of the things
big brothers should be
Johnny my brother
Ten feet tall
Or so it seemed
when I was small
Dec 1954-July 1996

My brother loved nature and had great admiration for birds. He was very quiet and none of us ever really understood why he was the way he was. He was different. He did not seem cut out for this world.
He made terrible mistakes. He was an alcoholic from his teens.

We loved him.

© 2010 All Rights Reserved

Learning To Fly

By David Gilmore for Pink Floyd

Into the distance, a ribbon of black

Stretched to the point of no turning back

A flight of fancy on a windswept field

Standing alone my senses reeled

A fatal attraction holding me fast, how

Can I escape this irresistible grasp?

Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies

Tongue-tied and twisted Just an earth-bound misfit, I

Ice is forming on the tips of my wings

Unheeded warnings, I thought I thought of everything

No navigator to guide my way home

Unladened, empty and turned to stone

A soul in tension that's learning to fly

Condition grounded but determined to try

Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies

Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I

Above the planet on a wing and a prayer,

My grubby halo, a vapour trail in the empty air,

Across the clouds I see my shadow fly

Out of the corner of my watering eye

A dream unthreatened by the morning light

Could blow this soul right through the roof of the night

There's no sensation to compare with this

Suspended animation, A state of bliss

Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies

Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I 

And Then It Rained

which was really lovely and hit the spot. A June full of hyper heat that broke records and a July that is not living up to it's reputation. A week of downpours flooding my soul like wine. A giddiness that floats to the surface and pops like little bubbles on my mood. They burst. Then July smooths my heart down with a sweep of it's hand. Flattens the wrinkles in my nature like a good housewife keeping order on my soul. Tucks in hospital corners, all business, none of this foolishness. No jumping on the beds and hiding beneath the drifting sheet. I stifle the giggles but it is apparent I will be discovered. A lump smack in the center and wondering how to escape. It's so suffocating here. I watch the sky. I see a haze of gray in the distance. But it is a lie. A tease. Stock still beyond my reach. Try to induce magic by tapping the wind chimes into action. A little prompt maybe......they were a gift you know. From someone I loved. A doting father. July cheats. July steals. It stares me in the face in the morning and challenges my accusations.
 It rained for a full week. What else do you want? At least no one died.



The moon remains silent. She keeps her own counsel this time around.
 Lets July take the blame.

Photo Courtesy of Miss Mid.

© 2011 All Rights Reserved

Fly Bye

I was 5. It was so early it was still dark and I was awakened quietly to say goodbye. Groggy,  I stood on the bed and reached my arms out. All was darkness. I could not see you, but I felt the rough fabric of the uniform beneath my hands and the warmth of your cheek. Your hair no longer sweeping my face as you bent for a kiss but shorn beneath a cap. The low rumble of your voice beside my ear....I love you, goodbye. I carried this in my minds eye waiting patiently as was wished, until you were safely home.

I was 9. Suddenly you were Home! And you picked up where you left off.....being my hero.

I was 24. I fully understood the problem and was saddened and helpless about it. I was used to the drinking but now sometimes your eyes were lifeless. I stop by. You are laying on the couch. You are cold and clammy and sweating profusely. I say "whatever you are doing stop it". Please. Just stop. I kiss you goodbye. Whatever it was seemed to stop and the you  that had a soul came back but the drinking never stopped. The damage to your body from the years of alcohol was done.

I was 30. When the call comes in the middle of the night, just by chance I am not at home but out of town and actually closer to where you are than the rest of us. I would get there first, I would be there.  As we drove through the dark I prayed, in time, in time, please.

As I was walking in a cloud of unreality, through the front doors,  you were leaving. They would not let me go farther. I stood there, waiting patiently as they wished. And moments later they said, "we're sorry, we're sorry, no."
 And you were alone. I could not reach out...how could this be?

As we drove away that morning the sun was rising over fields of green going gold. The light rising in tandem with our forward journey.  I saw the rays light up their wings like sparks shooting upward as they circled and soared and I smiled. At that moment I heard the first notes of the song burst through to me and I reached to turn the knob up until it engulfed me, carrying me with it for awhile and opened the window to fly along  through the morning because I knew...
God had allowed you to pause and soar just long enough
To say goodbye.





Google Video
pinkfloyd.com

The lyrics to this song were so appropriate to my brother and the situation that I am still stunned by this experience and it is the single most painful but powerfully spiritual moment of my life.

John
my brother
There for me
All of the things
Big brothers should be
Johnny my brother
Ten feet tall
Or so it seemed
When I was small
Dec 1954-July 1996

My brother loved nature and had great admiration for birds.  He was very quiet and none of us ever really understood why he was the way he was. He was different. He did not seem cut out for this world.
        He made terrible mistakes. He was an alcoholic from his teens.
We loved him.                 

 © 2010 All Rights Reserved


Learning To Fly
By David Gilmore for Pink Floyd

Into the distance, a ribbon of black
Stretched to the point of no turning back
A flight of fancy on a windswept field
Standing alone my senses reeled
A fatal attraction holding me fast, how
Can I escape this irresistible grasp?
Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted Just an earth-bound misfit, I
Ice is forming on the tips of my wings
Unheeded warnings, I thought I thought of everything
No navigator to guide my way home
Unladened, empty and turned to stone
A soul in tension that's learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try
Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I
Above the planet on a wing and a prayer,
My grubby halo, a vapour trail in the empty air,
Across the clouds I see my shadow fly
Out of the corner of my watering eye
A dream unthreatened by the morning light
Could blow this soul right through the roof of the night
There's no sensation to compare with this
Suspended animation, A state of bliss
Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I

Being Prepared

I wrote about my father last month for fathers day but I didn't tell the whole story because I wanted to save something for this month. I have lost the women in my family in September. With both it was the right time to go. July is when I lose the men of my family. Neither one was ready to go.


My father passed away in July 2001.

People often find it strange that I don't mind hospitals, I am very comfortable there. I also have very little fear of death. They sometimes seem to think I seem under concerned. This is not true. It is simply that I take these things as a matter of course. Part of everyday life. You see I was prepared at an early age to accept the possibility of death for my loved ones. Most particularly my parents and especially my father.

  The summer I was 10 going on eleven my mother had cancer and had surgery followed by radiation treatment. My father took care of me of course and I remember he took me shopping for some clothes because school would be starting soon. While we were there a police officer approached him and began to speak with him but I couldn't hear. Concerned I moved closer and heard my father reply, "no I think I have heartburn." "You're very pale, said the officer, are you sure you feel alright." My dad said he was fine but he told me he was ready to go because he didn't feel well. What was happening? A warning sign. Signaling the heart attack he had about a week later. Just as my mom came home.
  I spent a whole lot of that year in the hospital snack bar. It was my haven. I feel perfectly at ease in hospitals and around illness. The one my parents were in that year feels as familiar to me as the home of an old family friend. Over the years he was in this hospital in ICU multiple times. His heart was very damaged. He needed bypass surgery more than once. He changed his lifestyle dramatically which is why he survived as long as he did. He passed away just shy of being 76. He was a fighter. His cardiologist called him his miracle man. He made it to walk his last child, myself, down the aisle and see all 10 of his grandchildren born.

In the end he still was not ready to go.
From the time I was ten I was prepared for my father to die. What I wasn't prepared for was .....

Looking at you coming in one day and seeing a thin and frail man standing there. A fringe of fully gray hair.
Your hands and arms with thin skin often with ugly bruises from years of blood thinners. The wide back becoming narrow and slightly stooped. You still seemed the same most of the time and I was caught off guard from time to time when I focused on this fragility. Something that had never been part of you before.  One of those moments when you suddenly see the change that has been slowly progressing over a long time without really being noticed. What I was not prepared for was seeing you age. Watching you become old. Seeing you be "unable". You didn't like it much either. We teased a little when you decided to wear slippers even when you left the house, not out in public of course but if you were coming over to visit. But you earned that right.

I wasn't prepared for the day I came by to help with housework and was surprised at how far behind you had become. Mom was still working and was concerned because you no longer could keep up these little chores or felt up to cooking the wonderful dishes you would prepare for her and her co-workers to enjoy at lunch. Something you deeply enjoyed because it added some socializing to your day after you had retired.
The last painting stood on the easel unfinished. It took you forever to finish a painting so it was a couple of months before I noticed that nothing had been changed at all. "Haven't really felt like it you said".
I bleached the bathroom. When I came out I mentioned a new product I was using that might help with it it. You sat in the chair in your usual posture, arms and legs both crossed. You had the saddest look on your face. I could always tell you had to search for words to explain things. You would talk around an issue.
You said, " I really haven't been doing so well Sweetheart."
Well I was used to that. "Have you talked to the doctor," I asked
"Yes," you answered, "he knows."
You just sat there with that look. You looked at the floor.
 "Well maybe you should talk to him again," I told you. Being matter of fact as always.
 You nodded, "I guess so..."
  Was I refusing to hear what you were saying without words?  No, I knew what you were saying and also that you did not wish for it to be said. I bustled and fussed with my work. Told you to call your doctor and kissed you goodbye. You had already talked to your doctor.
What you were saying was, I am dieing.

  In the last weeks in the hospital you still refused to give up. Insisting on a pacemaker even though it was risky and could only possibly provide you a few more months. You convinced yourself that it would "do the trick." It didn't of course. The doctors kept giving us that look. We knew but at the same time had our own denial. We had heard it many times before and it had been for nothing. During that time the kidneys were failing. The doctors put you on dialysis. I think they tried to tell you but you made plans anyway. You asked if I would be able to drive you in to town for it and were very insistent that Mom would not be capable of it. You said, "Because your Mom.....she probably won't be up to it......she hasn't driven up there in a while". Was this a hint? Were you already seeing the first signs but didn't want to say? Were you protecting her?

You were convinced you would be coming home when you healed from the pacemaker. You didn't have the time to heal. But you were able to breathe better and speak with us easier for a few days. We weren't there. All the hours in that place over the years and years and none of us were there during that one. You were improving some. We could take a breath. You so insisted you were doing fine that you fooled us. You seemed fine that morning. No one got to say goodbye. You had talked to each of us in turn in the previous weeks. We learned later that you had privately spoke with each of us. It had seemed casually, you spoke of things we should do in our future. I know what you told me to do and I'm sorry I haven't done it yet. You told our loved like a sister S to remarry and find a good man. You know she has. You told Biggest to be good. Losing you didn't help. But you see her now. All of us got our message and didn't even realize it because you would not admit you were going anywhere.

I had the dream though. Probably my own unconscious mind consoling itself. There was that hallway. Peach with green bumper walls. Clean clean clicking floors. Last door on the right just past the nurses station. You are walking out of the room. You are wearing your burgundy robe with green paisley pattern and your favorite brown leather slip on slippers. Your skinny white legs that you hid for years seem to be of no concern. Your hands are in your pockets. There is no IV pole with you. You are strolling down the hall. You nod to the nurses at the station and turn so that I see you grinning from ear to ear. You are leaving that hospital forever. You feel fine. You are happy. You are ready to go now. Your face reads "I am out of here, and that is good.......it is absolutely fine....very, very fine."
You were prepared.

© 2010 All Rights Reserved

EVERYONE Is GROUNDED.

Not you.....everyone at my house.

That's all.

© 2010 All Rights Reserved

In To July

June has slipped through my fingers

A suntan oiled palm

Slipping out of my grasp

 to bask in sweat soaked July.

In haste to higher altitude

 this past, a time to remember

Held vaulted in film canisters

Waiting on my kitchen counter

 for lackluster rebirth

The summer child

notched in a doorframe

Two more to be etched

as milestones passed

After the Star Spangled evening.

I have yet to taste the salt

To gather the sun glittered

abandomed homes of sea life

To slowly drip a medieval castle

But I will do these things

Finish this heat induced scavenger hunt

The summer a shimmering runway I traverse

I fly at the end to Fall

Merely a mirage

As I crash land in the heat

Of my home town.

I wrote this many, many years ago. The circumstances are not the same every year but the feeling, it is.

© 1998-2010 All Rights Reserved
This work had been edited and changed from it's original version