Monday, September 30, 2013

She Mows In Beauty...?

I've been watching a lot. Secretly staring from across rooms. Taking in small details from the corners of my eyes. Memorizing bits and pieces to hold on to later. I stare out windows, unseen from the second floor. The scarlet mower bright as a cardinal against the summer green grass. She pushes. Petite but, sturdy is the word that comes to mind. Muscled legs in short denim shorts propel her onward. Black tank top. Black high top Converse. She has wires pouring from her ears. Her fine boned jaw is set, determined. Sharp cheekbones breaking the softness of rounded nose and high arched brow. Regal is the word that comes to mind. Her shorn hair, tree bark brown and damp with sweat. Gone the stark white of childhood, the later deep burnished gold, thick and wavy. It now matches exactly the deep mahogany of her eyes. Exposes the surprising grace of the rising slope curving from neck to shoulder. The unexpected charm of sinew and rounded bicep. Grasping the handle with deeply calloused palms.  The same grip with which she grabs an opponents GI, and holds them to the floor. The same grip with which she grabs a bar to pull herself up ten times, in preparation as a warrior. Powerful is the word that comes to mind. "Where has my little girl gone?", is the thought I search. The mower stops and starts stops and starts. I wondered if something was wrong with it, so I went out to see and end up seeing only her. She lets go and the engine dies. Creeping to the front of the mower she bends her knees and slowly reaches out, then suddenly scoops. Her hands cupped closed she travels to the wooded area at the end of the yard and stoops again, opening her hands and watching, then returns to mowing only to stop again moments later and repeat again. I can't resist. I blow my cover on the upstairs balcony to ask, "What are you doing?" "They're baby lizards, she says. They aren't moving out of the way. The brown ones. They just sit there so I'm moving them. '' The engine revs up again and I watch. She is almost directly beneath me. She grabs a large brown leaf and begins coaxing something into it. Her solid legs flexed, her rounded shoulders hunched. She stands. Her face tilted upward to look at me, her dark eyes innocent and sweet. And for a flash she is five again as she holds the leaf up to show me. "It's a slug, she says. Where should I put it?"

The Littlest Mower

She mows in beauty like a knight
A determined force they cannot fight
All fall before her blades when she pass
Cutting a swath through the grass
At the same time not depraved
Knowing some souls can be saved
Powerful leader, and never pawn
Joan d' Arc of the lawn

This has been a shameless and sacrilegious parody of Byron's stunning She Walks in Beauty
Brought to you by:
 The Center for Compulsive Bad Poetry Research- also known as my brain.

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Sunday, September 22, 2013

Moving On....

Ok. So we just had the Most Epic full moon in history, What can ya do? Keep living of course.

In the course of one week my life changed considerably.

Last time around Biggest was worried about not feeling the baby move enough.

Yesterday I got a text:
Biggest: Oh, I had a kickboxing tournament from 6PM to 3AM that could've earned a domestic abuse charge, so we feel better. My arm was resting on my stomach texting and the first time she hit it jarred my arm so hard I almost lost my phone..

She and DecentGuy are getting excited. Only two months to go till November!

Middlest and my future son in law-Murphy'sLaw- are having a shot gun wedding in Georgia this November and I will be getting a Second Grandchild in May. He has a whole lot of proving to do before I change his name. I'm not worried about my future Grandchild reading this and wondering about the name because all it takes is an internet search to find the 6 mug shots.
But I offer hope. When Biggest met DecentGuy in High School his name was Shithead so we will just keep praying. Trying not to cry anymore with marginal success.

Littlest is still here. Government fiscal year-- is October 1st-if we still have a government- and the Marine Corps job openings will be posted and she will likely know her ship date for sure.
I'm betting on November though it could be sooner. She's in the process of packing up everything in her room and I can't bear to look.

In other news, The SeaMonkey turned 50! He obviously got more than he expected for his birthday this year and he's already suffering from a bad case of Empty Nest Syndrome but luckily there have been some waves.

I have been reading a long list of horror stories and it occurred to me that I'm trying to find something that scares me more than my real life.....Still reading...

This insanity is obviously going to last awhile so..
Belated Moon Music.

Forgive if I haven't caught up on your blogs yet. I appreciate the support more than I can say but I'm just a little burnt out right now....

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Thursday, September 19, 2013


My Heart is broken

Seeming so perfect when it was born

But the beauty hid the truth

The brightness camouflaged the defect

For twenty years my heart lived wrapped

Deep within the safety of my love

And time told the story

My Heart beats to a drummer with no rhythm

No Reason

No reality

I held my heart close to keep it safe

But the ragged edges cut through my flesh

like shattered glass

A reflection in pieces so fragmented

they can never be repaired

The truth

My Heart is broken

And broken is my heart


Definition of bereft (adj)

 [ bi réft ]   

  1. deprived: deprived of somebody or something loved or valued
  2. lacking: lacking in something desirable or necessary
  3. feeling sense of loss: filled with a sense of loss
Synonyms: deprived, bereaved, mourning, in mourning, grieving, orphaned, widowed

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Monday, September 9, 2013

I'm Done Now...Right?

Yeah. Right.

I have imagined this time for years. I can't believe that last week the day finally arrived when my youngest daughter turned 18 and became a legal adult. It's been a long road. I have devoted my life to getting them safely to adulthood and now...

Now I'm Free!!!!!!!!!!!!  ...Right? as a branch pinned under a rock below the surface of a river. Free as a bird tethered to a cage under a blanket in the corner of a basement. Free as....well anyway....

We were traveling for work the other day when Biggest called.
She said:

"I haven't felt the baby move since yesterday morning." It was over 24 hours. I told her to call the doctor and they told her to go to the emergency room. She was at work and STILL Doesn't Drive so she was calling Decent Guy to come get her but his phone was dead and eventually she had to call his workplace but he was out in the field, and so on, until this eventually lasted over 2 hours in which The SeaMonkey and I were telling her to be calm, it was probably nothing and not to panic, and then getting off the phone and going into a terrified panic...and crying. Both Of Us. Then DecentGuy showed up and they went to their house where she took a shower and laid down for a minute and then the baby started kicking. I told her to call the doctor back and get their opinion since it had been such a long period of time. They told her to do a kick count laying still on her side for 2 hours-looking for at least ten kicks and the little booger did and Everything Was Fine. Except my blood pressure.

***I also somehow seem to have become involved in a  Best Grandma Bidding War on the Target Baby Registry. But that's ok, cause KaBoom! I bought the crib and bedding + room decorating kit set+.... But in all honesty,  the other Grandma cleaned everything else out and she is a Most Awesome Fairy Grandmother for helping to make ALL of My baby girls' wishes come true : )

Miss Middlest has been doing great at her job and is progressing to the next level there on her way to a promotion. Our ultimate goal has always been to get her out on her own eventually but we have told her she's welcome to live with us forever if she wants to, as long as she's doing her part around here, making wise decisions and moving forward. She was not making wise decisions and doing her part. So we had a little chat. And then-for the 3rd time since she turned 18- she announced she was leaving and getting an apartment with a friend ( An ex soldier with PTSD she met sleeping on the beach because his girlfriend kicked him out, that she had known one week) She's did this without any plan in place, hardly any savings and no credit history and a part time low paying job, and she just up and left. She ended up at her pastors house-with the homeless dude-and they took them in. I don't know what the hell they're thinking but not my problem, though they appear to be using them as slave's been two weeks and they still don't have an apartment but she is willingly and enthusiastically doing everything at the pastors house that we asked her to do here. I do hope for the best for this guy and that he gets help and I'm thankful for his service but she let him use her bike and he apparently got hit by a car. He's ok but her bikes screwed up but I guess that's alright because he's alive even though it's her Only Transportation  to work because she Still Can't Drive.
I kind of want to, as my 5th grade teacher used to say, knock her in the head with a wet noodle but somehow I don't think it will knock whatever's loose in there back into place. And she's an adult. She says she needs to do it this way because it's too easy to slack at home.
I'm sure it will work out fine. Except for that pulsing noise I keep hearing in my ears.

And Littlest? Littlest is still here waiting for her boot camp ship date, though her friends have all started college. She's chomping at the bit to get out of here because she's ready to be free too,  but in the meantime she amuses herself by coming to the store with me every week in order to double my grocery bill with her extremely expensive super healthy eating habits. She won't be here long enough to get a job but she does Physical Training with the other Poolees from the recruiting office and goes to her Jiu Jitsu classes. She has to pass a bad area to get there and she's pleased that now that's she's an adult she can ride her bike wherever and whenever she wants and can be there after dark, without us telling her get home...Because She Still Can't Drive.
But I know she can take care of herself. She's joining the marines for Petes sake. I'm sure she'll be safe and everything will be fine. Except for my migraine.

But That's OK. BECAUSE I LOVE THEM. More Than Anything.
And I know I won't ever really be "Done." I am a mother first and foremost in my life.
And I don't ever want to be free of them-completely.
And I think I did I fairly decent job of getting them raised.
Except for the driving.....

and my possible aneurism.
; )

I had originally planned to be "Done" with this blog at this point.
Part of my tagline in the beginning was:
Raising teen girls in todays society...haven't figured it out yet.
Later it was: Raising Teen Girls...halfway through...still haven't figured it out.
Well, I'm done raising teenage girls...and I never did figure it out ; )

But since we have a baby and boot camp to look forward to I will continue on for a bit. After that I will switch to my other blog, Service Unavailable Error 503.  A few of you are already there and Ms. A visits regular : ) I would dearly love it if my little group of real followers followed me there. It's been a hodgepodge of extras so far but there will be much more in the future. Right now there's -what else-a music video on it. Nothing special. But I promise that's not all that's on there or will on there.

Thank you to everyone who has stuck around so far..we still have a little ways to go : )

P.S. I Know my Header is screwed up. Tried to make a minor change. It's gone. too tired to try to figure it out anymore!

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Monday, September 2, 2013

Shooting Star Lands On Feet

Nearly four years ago I began this blog with a newly turned fourteen year old with a sarcastic sense of humor, a droll outlook on life and a solid ethic of determination and purpose.

My Starlight: Glittering sparks of light shooting from her mind

Now, here I am with a newly turned 18 year old with  a sarcastic sense of humor, a droll outlook on life and a solid ethic of determination and purpose.

My Starlight: Multifaceted beams refracting from her heart.

My Littlest has officially become an adult.  She hasn't been Grounded since I don't know when.

But that may be because, while her ideals have always been shining from the heights,
her feet have always been planted firmly on the ground.

My Starlight: Glowing rays pouring warmly from her soul.

I am So Proud of the young woman you have become my Sweet Littlest. You are Amazing.

Happy Birthday To My Starlight!

Infinite points of possibility reflected in your eyes.

You've been waiting to get here for so long and I know it was a hard wait for you. And I know how ready you are to shoot forward. Just remember, it can take tens of millions of years for the light from the nearest stars to reach us. You have plenty of time to shine. But it's official.
The world is laid out before you now Littlest and you're already starting from the top. There is no limit to how far you can shoot for yourself.
Almost time for the next step. Never break that stride : )

I Love You!

And I know you can Imagine Dragons ; )

Readers: if you like, please enjoy some of The Best of Littlest:

Guest Post By Littlest

An a in Math and an F in Language

Shop Till You Drop Dead From Humiliation

Problem Solved

We Got The Blues

She Said, Let's do It Today

Quick Note: Traveling this week.
May be delayed in responding to comments but will catch you later!

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