Sunday, April 21, 2013

I Think I Should get a Back Seat Driving Award


I not only am one of the worlds most anally careful drivers I also am a paranoid passenger. I am usually the SeaMonkeys passenger. I wouldn't say the SeaMonkey is a bad driver. He isn't one of these people who speeds and weaves in and out of traffic, cuts people off and and runs red lights. He does have a tendency to get distracted though. He is one of those drivers that will be driving over a bridge and be looking over the side the whole time, pointing out to me, "Hey look at that!", while I clutch the door handle and keep my eyes glued to the road, because Somebody Has To! He also fidgets in the car, looking for stuff, digging in the glove compartments, while he weaves just a tiny bit back and forth and I keep a sharp lookout in the side mirror for possible traffic disasters. Sometimes he does this while stopped at lights and asks me to tell him when it turns green. He also waits till the last minute to hit his brakes when he's coming to a stop, while I squinch my eyes closed and brace my feet on the floor mats preparing for impact. He Does Not, Drive and Text! for which I am very proud of him...even though he doesn't text at all. He does sometimes play with his phone, turning on the GPS, but I yell at him to 'give me that-you drive!'..ok sometimes I might close my eyes and think, "the Seamonkey is a bad driver."
 I also am ever at the ready to yelp, Look Out! They're Stopping! There's Someone Coming! STOP! Which displeases him greatly. I know I'm not the only one who does this because I earned my backseat drivers license from my mother. She was a great teacher. And whenever I use those skills my husband echoes my father exactly.
"I Saw It!""Don't do that! You startled me! "YOU"RE going to make me have an accident.

So I began saying it very calmly and quietly. "that car is coming over." " they are slowing down."
But that didn't help either. The Seamonkey always told me; If you want to drive that's fine. Otherwise, don't say anything. If I get in a wreck it will be my problem.
Except...I'm in this car too...but ok....I'll keep quiet. And for some time now I have. I just tense up in my seat and look at my lap and pretend I don't know what's going on and think the words in my head, "we're gonna die.". Every now and then an OH! escapes me at a close call but I don't give directions. I zip my lip. Most of the time...sometimes...

So. Last week we were working out of town. We left our hotel on the drive to our destination and stopped at the end of a long line of cars at a red light. The Seamonkey suffers from terrible allergies at this time of year. He gets hives when he cuts the grass. So his eyes were bothering him and he started digging for his eye drops. And he put them in. He didn't ask me to tell him when the light turned green, so I didn't. Besides, we were very far back in line and he was way to close to that guys bumper and he hadn't started moving yet and I would probably startle the SeaMonkey and he would hit the gas too quick and end up hitting that car because he would get angry if I pointed out they weren't moving. The cars near the front were beginning to move forward and I just looked down at my lap and pretended I didn't know what was going on.

You know what happened next right?

The Seamonkey looked up, saw green and hit the gas-and went straight into the bumper of the car in front of us. yep.


Luckily, this was an very kindly older man and it was low speed, so hopefully he won't wake up with whiplash just when we thought it was over.

As for the SeaMonkey he told me; "You can't say anything today. Just give me today and then you can harass me all you want. I know I have it coming. You can laugh at me tomorrow.

I said, I'm not going to harass you. I won't laugh about it.

He asked, You aren't going to harass me or say anything about this?

No, I replied, I really only have one thing to say:
  The first time I don't warn you , you have an accident.


I didn't say I wouldn't say I wouldn't harass him on my blog ; )

P.S. Sorry about the annoying word verification but Anonymous finally got on my last nerve. Like they really think I get enough views to make their Spam worthwhile. The only consolation is knowing that they're wasting their time. I didn't want to block Anonymous comments because that's how my family comments (I like family Spam : ) and occasionally someone randomly finds me and actually takes the time to read and comment. That's lovely.

So please do put on your readers and try to decipher that mess.

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  1. Your hubby and mine have a LOT in common. I chew up the upholstery with my ass when he's driving and sky-bugging at everything except the road!

    Glad nobody was hurt!

  2. I have an imaginary brake pedal on my side of the car and hubby hates it. My hubby drives for a living so has a tendency to be a little complacent on the road.
    Glad you're both okay

    1. I think it is an ingrained genetic thing in women. Way back in the day there were women yanking backward on an invisible spear yelling, Watch It! You almost ran right under that mastodon's foot.

  3. lol that is me!!!!!! oh and that darn gps. my husband will fiddle with it and know where he's going.

    1. My husband will use the thing where it gives step by step directions and argue with it !

  4. OH MY GOD, WE'RE THE SAME PERSON. YES to the driving while looking out the window and he fiddles with the fucking GPS and it makes me INSANE. I don't moderate my back seat driving at all though - if he tells me drive I will. And then he's just as annoying. We actually try never to be in a car together. :)

    1. i may have been practicing a little passive aggression ; )

  5. I say nothing but it drives me crazy CRAZY crazy how my husband passive aggressive has to always comment on my driving. What the heck? How does he think I manage during the week driving our precious children around without him????

    1. You see? I often wonder how he makes it back alive without me ; )

  6. and you just gave me an idea.

    I hate the anonymous commenter from lativia. and especially the one from estonia. I have word verification but people on phones hate it. I moderate comments but still mr latvia gets through.
    BUT I KNOW no one who comments as anonymous that knows me AND SO therein lies the genius plan: I will not allow anonymous. LOVE IT. And thank you.

  7. OMG, we ARE long lost twins! My husband does the same thing, and I have the injuries from the rear-ending he's given people to prove it. I've had several of the having to warn him to save us times, and he's always grateful, but heaven forbid we don't actually come within an inch of dying, or I'm overreacting.


    Anonymous can jump in a lake. I delete or block all of them, unless they actually have something constructive to say.

    1. i usually just delete them, but one that claimed to be a chiropractic office actually seemed to be criticizing my Title creating skills. I didn't delete that one. I left them a pretty message in case they decided to come back and check on their handiwork-it had been a long day. It umm...wasn't like I was overreacting or anything : )

  8. i pride myself on the fact that i am a very good driver. i am also a horrible passenger. i do much of the same described above. and i know it makes my friends nervous. honestly the best place for me is in the back seat so that i cannot see anything happening in front of me...but then comes the car sickness. so back to the front for me. or being drunk. that helps. because then i don't care. riding obviously, not driving. most of my friends just either ride with me or let me drive their car lol.

    i also had to put the word verification back on...anon was beginning to really piss me off.

  9. being drunk..snicker..I haven't been a drunk passenger in a long time, but back in the day it did make riding with him stress free ; )


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