It's All About The Biggest

and The Tiniest : )



Biggest called: She said, You don't love me!

What?

You write whole posts about Mid and Littlest all the time but you never say anything about me.

What? Yes I do, BUT just for Princess PITA...

Biggest is 37 weeks pregnant. She's ALL baby. We suggested she paint her stomach orange and draw a face on it for Halloween... she didn't like that idea. She looks beautiful. She isn't due till November 22cd but the doctor told her the baby was big and really could come at any time so she's convinced she's in labor about twice a week. Though I point out to her on a regular basis that she will KNOW a real contraction when she feels one, she still calls me every few days to ask about things she's feeling. She hasn't read many books to prepare her for having a baby because she says she has ME for that, and a lot of stuff in the books about things that go wrong scare her and make her worry. Despite the fact that I haven't been pregnant in 18 years, I try to remember as well as I can. She calls at least once a week to worry that there will be something wrong with the baby. I tell her, if there is, you will deal with it. But I'm sure everything is fine. Even though her parents torture her, because Biggest was standing by the sink and DecentGuy threw a chunk of ice in it and the loud noise seemed to startle the baby and make her jump around. So they did it again.....

 She has picked out a most adorable and lovely name and I'm relieved it isn't 'Tree' or 'Axe' or 'Bobette Marley.' In keeping with her lifestyle she has decorated the nursery with a 'Forest Friends' theme from Target.

 This is the Target ad, not the real room.



The real room is small and cozy and yellow and it's the sweetest. DecentGuy worked hard painting and putting in new flooring and bought wooden letters to spell her name and painted them to put  up over her crib. He's an excited future Daddy and we have (another) spoiled little girl in our future. They are as ready as they can possibly be.

Biggest is already thinking about good schools and what toys and tv shows are appropriate and savings accounts. She originally thought about starting an account for college but then decided to start one for the Great-She's Finally Big Enough to Enjoy It- trip to Disney World when the baby's old enough-after all she was conceived there- Then they will start a college savings.
She is busily going through her nesting stage, which is really something because she's already OCD about everything being in it's place. She's re-folded baby clothes a thousand times and everything looks perfect. She is going to be a terrific Mom because she already has an active Worry Button that came pre-installed and if the child so much as bats an eye she'll be standing over her watching like a hawk to figure out why and what she should do about it. She's going to be Fine. She's going to be a Fine Mama. And she's Finally going to drive me completely crazy ; )

So My Sunshine, I am very proud of you and excited too! And there will be plenty more posts in the future about you as a Mama. You are going to be Amazing : ) You know the music we played for you when you were little to help you sleep. You have your own copy now. Just Remember...

Except For The Part About Me
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As for me, I'm going in for some restoration. I'll be heading to the highlands to sit on my rock and listen to the creek and see some colors besides green. Even though it's my favorite color, the eye and the soul need a change from time to time and it's been several years since I've been able to go in the fall. Plus I'll get to wear my sweaters and boots! I need it desperately right now. Even more so because I have a series of work projects as soon as I get back.
I told Biggest to quit trying to have that baby early and cross her legs, because if she goes into labor while I'm gone I'll never speak to her again.  The new definition of Never being, as soon as I can rush back and get ahold of my granddaughter. But hopefully the little Bug will keep cooking a little longer and come when she's supposed to, just in time for Thanksgiving. And I will be thankful indeed!



© 2013 All Rights Reserved by MOTPG

And Then One Morning I Woke Up And The Nightmare Was Over

When our children are small and through their teens we are always available to help. To Protect. To Save. But what happens when an adult child makes mistakes? How far should we go to save them? What if they keep making the same mistakes over and over? Does it depend on the age? Do we stop helping at 18, 20, 25, 30?

 I know what to do when someone has a drug or alcohol problem that they refuse to give up. As hard as it is you have to cut them off. You have to be wary. And you have to know that as an adult they can't really be helped until they want to be saved. For real. But what if the issue is just bad judgment in general? How long do you help someone who sabotages their life every time they get it together?

A week ago last Saturday Middlest called me in the middle of the night sobbing her eyes out. Her words were, "Why are you always right?" She wanted to come home. And what did we do? We got in the car and drove 12 hours in one day to bring her back. We knew she was in a bad situation but she made her choice and there wasn't much we could do. During the time she was gone she glossed over what was going on and continued to sound positive. This guy was straightening up. He had a job. They were getting married. She was having a baby. Everything was going to be fine. She was sure of it.

When we got her home the truth came out. He never quit drinking at all. Her bank account was cleaned out. During a short time they had stayed in a hotel and he was stealing her cash and going out to drink.  His behavior was becoming scary. He lost two jobs in two weeks and had found a pretty decent one so she was giving him another chance. And. He chose to drink again. This was another chance after he already had become physical with her and shoved her against a wall. They were living in a dilapidated trailer with holes in the walls and no heat or air and no stove. They had no money.  They had no transportation. They didn't have enough food. Luckily his family helped out a little with that so she didn't starve. She has been having spotting and cramping all along. But you see, she wanted this so bad. She thought she could save him. She thought she could save the situation. She thought she could fix the first mistake she made by compounding the mistakes and that she could make it work. Because she was living in a dream world of hope. And it wasn't real. And when the world came crashing down all she wanted was the life she had carelessly discarded and lost to come back. It doesn't happen quite that way. But we can't leave our child in danger and so we saved her. Again. She is home, and not out of state which is a relief. There will be no wedding to this creep and for that we are thankful. We will be looking over our shoulders for awhile and that is frightening. we don't know what he will do next. We all just hope he chooses to move on. And there will be no child. Middlest has cystic ovaries. She has had problems since she was about 16. She was drinking and smoking during the first few weeks before she found out. She was malnourished and she was under an incredible amount of stress dealing with this guys very serious problems and trying to make this work and keep an upbeat front for us. She has had a miscarriage. My heart breaks for her because she had allowed herself that little light of hope for the sake of this. It chokes me to say the words 'for the best', but it truly is.  I tell her it will be ok. She worries because this problem in our family leads to early hysterectomies. I had mine when I was 31. My sister was in her early twenties and as a result is childless. She's afraid she won't be able to have children. But I tell her someday it will happen. One way or another the little boy she wishes for will be hers when the time is right and she is truly ready and able. For now she needs to do some healing and start over-again.

Middlest has a 'guy problem'. As many years as I've told her to respect and depend on herself first and be the center of her own life first she has continued to fall in this trap. She has walked flat away from some terrific young men and been drawn instead to the damaged and damaging. Middlest is a young woman of faith. She's my only daughter that goes to church of her own free will. And she wants to love and take care of these broken people. It is a disastrous tendency. I've told her, "make it your career, don't make it your personal life." So far she hasn't learned. I'm hoping now that she finally has.

Which leaves us in this position. A 20 year old penniless unemployed daughter becoming dependent on us again. We don't mind if she lives with us forever if she's making the most of her life. We've told her that many times. She's an incredibly bright, talented, and lovely girl. She's sabotaged her schooling, her jobs and her personal life over and over again. For the time being we have told her that she's basically 13 around here for now. Her lack of judgment and discernment shows a person whose maturity is far from her age. We can't trust her. We can't believe anything she says. Just like an addict she has to surrender control to us for the time being. We have made it clear that we will always be there for her. But we can't save her from herself anymore. We can't clean up her messes any longer. We are helping her start over and when she is on her feet and her decisions are hers she is on her own.

For 26 years 'All I Ever Wanted' was for my daughters to have 'All They Ever Wanted.'
What I've learned as a parent is that 'All They Ever Wanted' is not always what is best for them. The choices they make have a hand in it. So I revise that. All I want for my daughters is 'what is best for them'. At least I learned something along the way.

I didn't know I could ever grieve again the way I have over the past month. The worst moment of all was this. It had been ten years since I felt that hopeless. God came real close to going over that line of what I can handle, but I'm sure he's a little distracted these days with the big picture, and in the end he gave me 'All I Wanted'. Which was for all this to just disappear and things be the way they were before. And weirdly, that is close to where they are today. Our anxiety is still a little high because we can't be sure it's entirely over but basically my house has returned to functioning as it did exactly one month ago. Two of my adult daughters are on the balcony belting the song:
 I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today."

Like waking up from a nightmare.

I don't want to be sad and angry here ever again.

I've been staying away from blogging while I gather the pieces of myself back together. I'm back.

And to begin I have listed what I am thinking about today on my other blog if you care to peek:

Good Things

Little things that get me through and that I am thankful for.

Thank you for being there for me dear cyber friends. There are some things you can't share in the real world when you are the kind of person that doesn't want to sob in front of people and doesn't want them to try to touch and console you because it just makes it worse. Just letting me know you're out there somewhere helped me through : )





© 2013 All Rights Reserved by MOTPG

It's Wednesday But I Refuse To Be Silent

HOLY FOUR WHEELS and A STEERING WHEEL! For the First Time Ever-

ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS HAS A FOR REAL DRIVERS LICENSE!

That's right. Yesterday Littlest took the test and received a regular drivers license despite the fact that she's only had a learners permit for 4 weeks. Apparently if you're over 18 you can do that. Her dad and my mother in law both threw her to the highway wolves and gave her a crash course-pardon the reference- in driving. And she passed. I am very proud of her. However, regardless of what the state says there is still no way in hell she's getting any where near My Car!...so I will still be chauffeuring..oh well...

Biggest called: She said, Do you know what DecentGuy said? I was complaining about my back hurting and he said his back hurt too, he'd been working all day. I said, you don't understand, this is bad. It really hurts. And He said, "I could wear a pillow under my shirt and it would be the same."

Oh yes he did. As far as I know he's still with us.

And Middlest called: She said: I had a doctor visit and they heard the heartbeat. They told her that was the earliest she'd ever picked up a heartbeat on the Doppler! She's somewhere around 7 weeks.
I guess she thought about it a lot because this morning she sent me a text.

Middlest Message:

Nothing like the horrifying thought of Oh God, what if they heard the heartbeat so early because there's actually two thus making it louder and I'm either having twins or a Timelord.

Let's hope for a Timelord shall we? Maybe he can chauffeur Biggest in his police box.

; )

© 2013 All Rights Reserved by MOTPG