Letters Never Sent
To 57 Chevy,
I put the Bug at the end of the title just to P's you off.
Today I miss you. This doesn't happen often, just from time to time. I know it is not uncommon to grow away from childhood and high school friends. If that was the case and I was curious I could look you up, catch up and move on again. But this was different. As I am writing this blog it has crossed my mind that though I am writing it for myself, I might also be writing it for you. Like I always did. I know if you came across it and started to read, you would recognize my voice. It has not changed much except for the subject matter. No more skating rink stories and crushes. I saved the notes for years but finally threw them away so the kids wouldn't get in to them and know how horrible we were as teenagers. But I kept the tag team poetry. It is in the carboard box in the hall closet. We still rock, my girls love.. There once was a guy named: _______fill in the blank: Along with the yearbook, do you remember what you wrote in mine,
We have alot of years ahead of us & I know we'll be friends forever. We've been through alot of things, good & bad, so I know we can make it through a lot more. I wish the very best for you in life and I intend to be around to watch it happen.
Do you remember the poem I wrote in yours? The thank you for being my friend. The lines: "For all of the wise things you knew, that I never listened to" and "For every year that you've been there, I hope we have ten more to share. "But we didn't. And that sucks. Are you even allowed to use the internet? Is it monitored? Have you been there long enough to gain their trust? 16 years since I've seen you. I am still married , 2 kids you met though one was an infant and another you haven't seen. I know what you would say about my oldest, but you would be wrong. I know what you would say if you had never left here, and it would be right. I remember you saying that all you ever wanted was to get married and have kids, and that I didn't want kids but even though you married 1st, the babies weren't coming but mine did and now there I was "perfect mom". Would you be surprised now, or secretly pleased. It wasn't long after that you got your wish and though it took several years I know you have 3 now because I ran into your Mom at BJ's a couple years ago and she told me you just had another, unexpectedly. How do you have an unexpected child? The possibilities kinda creep me out. She told me what a lovely young woman M has become and that when she tried to give her some spending money that she turned around and gave it to you. She said it proudly, but her eyes looked sad. When I think of how badly you wanted those kids and think now of what they are being taught it p's me off, but I know it really isn't my business. I know what it's like there because B&A are grown women now and they told me. T's husband was stationed here awhile back and we met for lunch. She was worried about her sister & her family. But at least they talk.
She told me about your hair. Would I recognize you. Yes, you know I would. Sometimes when I drive past your Mom's house, not stalking, J's son lives in our old house, anyway... If there is a stange car I check the plates to see if they are from you state. I think about walking up to the door and surprising you. I know you are only allowed to come very rarely for short periods. I know you have to call and check in several times a day because that's what C&B had to do when they visited us, before they came to their senses and left there. Fled there. Since your parents did not follow I don't know how much access they are allowed.
Years ago when this started I called your Mom and tried to tell her, to see if she would help. She said as long as you were happy she was happy. Pardon me but wtf! Previous sentence probably another reason you act like I'm dead. But I shouldn't have been surprised. I remember dragging some of the chaos of my house into that stone carving of a home by turning her fridge magnets upside down. Maybe if you were in another state she wouldn't have to see your messy house. I ran into L still working at the grocery store. She asked about you. Are you angry that all those years ago I told her Mom what was going on and she stopped her from coming. I don't feel guilty. She is mentally challenged and trusting. You didn't have much security to lose. Her pension is in her bank, not WOFF's and she's getting older. I feel guilty for ever giving you that damn tape. More bad language, I know I'm Satan but whatever. I gave it to you because I thought you would recognize that it was evil and help us with C&B. I felt sick when you called and said it was incredible, you wanted to talk to C about visiting there. It was like the twilight zone. They woke up! Why didn't you? When I wrote to you that time I received a letter in return that was not your voice. You forgot I had since elementary school to know your voice. Since 6th grade to have the daily writing, the football shaped notes dropped by a careful arm reach through the History class door and set on the bookcase, while I rose to sharpen my pencil above it. Not your voice. Not your words. A strangers.
In these years. My brother is dead. My parent's are dead. Not even a generic card. The person I knew would never have let that happen. Your church only consorts with it's own? Very Christian of you... But I'm not really here to be bitter or give you a guilt trip. I'm really not. But you always were, the thoughtful one.
Like your Mom I hope if nothing else you are truly happy. I stated my concern once and that is all I needed because I do respect that you have your beliefs even though I don't share them. I wish you respected mine enough to still be my friend. I know they can't allow you to be exposed to any one who might question them.
And I'm supposed to be an honest blogger, so do I really respect your beliefs? If I got a hold of you would I try to de-program you? I don't know. I know your phone number is listed but I haven't tried so give me brownie points for that. I don't want to call because I don't want to talk to that stanger. I think I could over look it if I could just have you know about my life and know about yours like we used to without anything getting in the way. You know how I am. That except for my husband I have not bothered to put the effort into another close friendship in all these years. But my Mom is gone now too. She really was gone long before that so I pretty much stopped talking altogether. I never liked to much anyway. I always preferred to just have quiet company. You were good for that. I didn't have to say much but we could laugh uncontrollably at 2AM falling off my parents couch in tears over something stupid or nothing at all. Harmonizing Amazing Grace for your Mom in the backseat on the way home from church. Riding around in your cherry red 65 Mustang with the top down, wearing fedora's and smoking Swisher Sweets while we cruised the strip. It broke my heart when you traded that car in for something family practical, but then, you were always the mature one. All the way back to, what ? 3rd grade when my then best friend MJ was bullying me into carrying her stuff home from school you walked up and said " I would just drop it there and leave it." It had never occured to me that I could stand up to her, and I did it. You were always the strong one. Weren't you?
And I was not always an easy friend. Cracking up during your solo. Rolling up and saying " you picking up guys again?" to tease you not realizing of course that you had just met and were talking to your future husband. After repeated warnings about lifting the hem, still stepping on my gown going up the stairs in your wedding and saying the Sh part of the sh... word out loud before I caught myself in front of your minister, friends and family. You see, I always was better off keeping my mouth shut. Did you really need to join a cult to stop speaking to me? : )
At least I was willing to take the title and the rap of the wild one when, well.. we know the truth about that.
My anniversary is coming and every year I think about that whole day, not just my ceremony. You are a part of it. My only bridesmaid. Our wild bachelorette party having tea with my Mom and Aunts. Your nice husband understanding us spending the night at my parents house for one more silly sleepover before we all were "grownups".When we woke up at 6 and it was snowing,.... here? And driving to pick up the cake.Your awful driving and slamming on the brake and reaching out as our shared giant copy of East of Eden slid across the dash and catching it at the corner just as the edge hit the 2cd tier and....barely knicked it. And filling the moments before it was time to start, waiting in the church nursery, playing Heart and Soul on the piano like we had 5 million times before. Which you were always willing to do because it was the only song I could play well.....except Lean On Me.
And I did.....
I spend a lot of time falling on my ass.
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