Thursday, February 25, 2010

How To Highlight You Own Hair & Start Your Own Career

These instructions are mostly for those who were born blonde and now find that there hair has become ....that other color. If you have darker hair you may want to wait until October so you can enter your local jack-o lantern contest.

  1. Pick out a box of good old fashioned pull through cap style highlighting kit. That is how you get more  unique highlights that don't look like racing stripes.
  2. Go home and read directions on box.
  3. Skip the part about the pre- color test, who wants to mess with that.
  4. Put on the flimsy little cap that tears easy, because you are too cheap to go over to Sally and buy a nicer one.
  5. Put on your glasses, check mirror, laugh and hope the house doesn't catch fire.
  6. Proceed to pull hair thru holes. Make sure to pull more thru some than others so you have several  unpredictable widths, not uniform ones. This is also a good test of coordination as you learn whether you can sit in a sink holding a hand mirror with your held tilted back and peer upwards with your eyes, trying to keep your vision within the area of your glasses while desperately trying to see the holes on the back of your head and poke a stick thru them.
  7. Mix bleaching stuff and begin to apply.
  8. If you have colored before,  ignore directions about carefully applying only to previously un- highlighted parts. Who has time for that.
  9. Put plastic bag on head, remembering to stop at hair line is entirely up to you.
  10. Feel that funny cold sensation in a few areas on your head. That will be the places the cheap cap tore a little and left a bigger hole and the bleach is leaking thru. You will have some very trendy orange polka dots in these areas.
  11. Set timer. Amuse yourself.
  12. When timer goes off you now have two choices. First risk getting near a window or venturing outside to see what color your hair is. If it is still a goldish orange color you can stop now and do the trendy thing with spots and stripes. Or you can leave on until very pale yellow. This will result in gorgeous blonde highlights for about 2 weeks, then they will break off about a quarter inch from your head and you will have a very edgy, spiky thing going on.
  13. Next rinse. Remind yourself to take off pullover sweater before coloring next time. Rinse and remove cap.
  14. While letting the moisturizing shampoo soak in for a few minutes, you may contemplate your hair feeling like a birds nest that has been out in the rain.
  15. When hair is dry, spend some time trying to part hair different ways to cover the spots.
  16. Get in the car and go to Sally. If your spots are small or only slightly yellowish you may look for some good old fashioned Roux Fanciful temp color like your grandmother or great grandmother swore by, in white minx or champagne, and apply every 2 days for 3 months. If they are very bright you may want to get one of those ten minute permanent hair colors in an ashy shade to give you the lovely color you were trying to lose in the first place.
  17. Repeat these steps every few months for years and years. Or, before Nicole hires a detective to find out who I am and track me down so she can slap me. Go TO A Trained Professional.
Disclaimer: Do not do anything I tell you to, except this part: Go To A Trained Professional

Beauty/Career Biography
This guide brought to you by Motpg. Ms. G managed to get out of high school by the time she was 17, even though she didn't pay much attention to grammar. Having devoted herself to music and trained since she was 12 with a vocal coach to be on Broadway someday, Ms. G wasn't quite ready to head there yet, so was doing some more school. She was always happy to attend her Art and Literature classes but sometimes forgot to attend the others. She began to waiver and think maybe she would be an Artist instead and also as a back up plan began writing a historical novel that unfortunately was never finished. ( Any resemblance to her middle daughter is purely a coincidence and means nothing : )
 Her mother thought maybe she should learn to do something that would provide an income other than theirs, just to be safe. Ms. G's hairstylist suggested she give beauty a try & she said...... Ok. After spending nearly a year training in cosmetology so she could feed herself if necessary and approximately 2 weeks before she had finished her on floor hours and was ready to take her state test, Ms. G had a lovely young  girl with beautiful thick, luxurious, straight, coarse black hair that fell to her waist sit in her chair. She wanted a change. It being the early 80's she thought she would try that new style that cut up high above your ears in front and was a little longer in back. Ms. G. said......Ok. Later that day Ms. G decided the last thing she ever wanted to be responsible for again was somebody Else's head. And so she became......
You got it!
An Authentic Beauty School Drop Out!

 Her parents were thrilled. Ms. G then got a job as a clerk/asst. manager of a dry cleaners where she couldn't mess much up and dithered about what she actually wanted to do and concentrated on enjoying the then legal drinking age of 18 and eventually meeting her husband. She began working for a Large/Eventful Corp. type place that some people might think would be fun to work for but it wasn't and hated every minute of it which was fine because they didn't like her much either, but she can't divulge what it is because her mother worked there for A Long Time and  some other  people with whom she is associated still work there, so yeah....anyway. She continued for awhile and then they changed the drinking age to 21 and a lot of the places she liked to go wouldn't let her get in anymore even though she was married and had been going out for 2 years, and the state said she still could, but they could drink beer at home which gets boring after awhile and they didn't have much to do so finally
God said: Here..... Do You Think You Can Finish This?

 & gave them a baby. And Ms. G said Does that mean I can quit this job?, .....I mean Ok! and then at one point she said, Oh God I hope so, and now is happy to say, Yes. I finished anyway. And that is how Ms. G got where she is today which is not on Broadway or doing your hair but she helps run two businesses and doesn't make much but saves a lot of money by not having to pay for her family to get hair cuts. (she doesn't care if They cry when she's done: )  And that's Ok, cause Ms. G suspects she really doesn't want to work that hard. ( Any resemblance to her middle daughter is purely a coincidence and means nothing ; )

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  1. What's that old saying? The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree? Don't know why I would think of that... LOL! This had me in stiches! I tried to steer my kids away from my bad habbits and quirky personality traits, but it hasn't worked all that well.

  2. I have sported the orange chunky doo many a times. LOL! This was soooo funny! Luckily, I do got a professional now. Phew!

    Uncanny resemblances.....makes you wonder? Genes or environment? HA.

    Great story ;-)

  3. This was a hysterical post!! I tried to bleach my hair once. Went to the pale yellow stage, the broken hair and then jetted off to the nearest wig place.
    I had the most perfect hair for a while. Then I thought I would wash the wig. Didn't detangle wig and let my own hair just grow out.

  4. I do the hairdresser thing once every 2 or 3 months to rid myself of the little 'unmentionables"....

  5. How do you make a home hair dye so hilarious!! You are so talented and funny. I love you.

  6. You are hilarious!! This made me laugh tea out my nose. I used to color my hair a dark red, myself, but when I switched to blonde highlights I ran straight to my hairdresser - I do NOT trust myself with bleach. Luckily my frugal husband prefers the blonde enough that he withholds comments on the price difference...

    Thanks for your note on MBC about my article, I appreciate you checking it out :).

    Peryl (and as I know you know by now - the above login is an old blog, I'm now here: -I should probably figure out how to make the new one appear, but I'm slow that way!)

  7. OMG! You are the funniest. I'm still waiting on them to pass out the funny as hell award. Where is it when I need it. I dropped out of Highschool so, that's why beauty school was the career for
    I have an award for you on my blog. Just hate it's not the funny as hell award.rotfl.

  8. I'm a dark haired, one step Sally girl. I'm too chicken to do anything else. :)

  9. Me and My Polka Dots Thank You All for the nice comments Ladies! My family consider it a matter of pride to make someone laugh stuff out their nose! Not sure about apples but the nuts certainly don't fall far from the tree around here!


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