Tuesday, May 21, 2013

At Least I Totally Won THIS Argument

I'm revisiting the past again. But this time I am going back pre-blog and kind of why I started the blog. I was going through an older email account that I rarely use and found this in my sent box.
It's from April of 2009 and may explain why I needed an outlet. I was trying to raise Middlest. You see, Because no grounding could ever hold Biggest and Littlest was obnoxious and will argue her point to the death, but ultimately remain obedient,
 Middlest IS The Original Perpetually Grounded.

The following is an email sent to and replied to by a fifteen year old Middlest. It was during the Godforsaken Twilight heyday and she had a crush on a creepy little...creep...who liked to pretend he was a vampire and wrote her long, romantic, Gothic essays of love. I particularly liked the one where he forgot to change his old girlfriends name to hers in one paragraph. You know the type.

Anyway. I was amused when I found this and hope you will be too. And of course...

I Totally Win.

What is really so great about vampires? What can vampires do? Live forever and drink blood and what.......
Some of them are snappy dressers?
Vampires smell, kind of musty.  And they can't check the mirror to see if their hair is messy or if their makeup is on straight. They suck at making breakfast.
Why do vampires make bad love interests?
A night out is no fun. They are a waste of a good meal and money at a nice restaurant. They will just sit and stare at you while you eat, so you feel like you have something on your chin. 
Vampires can't dance, they have no heartbeat so they can't keep rhythm. 
They go see all the new movies while your sleeping and then tell you the endings.
They can't go to the zoo.
They won't help with yard work because they are afraid they might impale themselves on a rake handle.
When they kiss you goodnight they leave holes, so the next day you look like you have herpes.
You hear they were seen out with another chick and they tell you it "was just dinner". But can you be sure?
You can't have a long term relationship. You start to age, but they LOOOVE YOU so they really won't risk your soul, so they just start to stay out a little later.
Vampires can't 'love physically', they just look at you all mooney. And when you start to look like their mother they get all funky about it.
Vampires are fun to watch and read about. But living with one? All that vacuuming up the coffin dirt. Having to scrape all the bat crap off the garage floor when your parents are visiting. Trying to smile and repeat once again how much you LOVE blood pudding while you're at the butchers. Oh yeah, you have to quit shaving your legs cause if you nick yourself, you might be done for. You can't snuggle with a vampire, they are too cool for that, or is it cold? Well, either way.

why vampires totally beat lame human boys
Vampires don't change. If they really love you, you can coerce them into changing you. Vampires don't sweat. Vampires don't mind freaky obsessions with "myth" because, well, they are considered fantasy. Vampires don't get confused about their emotions. Also, vampires have probably read ALOT of books and lived during a ton of really cool historic events. No more history books! Vampires can help you cheat on your math test. Were said vampire to change you, you wouldn't fall down as much. If your vampire is wearing makeup, there might be a problem, and hey, men don't fix their hair anyways.
Oh, and vampires can't die so you're not always worrying when they pull stupid stunts or that some jerk is gonna shoot them. Vampires know more than your mom and can be perfectly silent and sneak into your room after the parents are asleep so you can spend hours talking to them about everything. Vampires will not always be "too old". Eventually you catch up. Also vampires have already lived their lives a thousand times over so they can really help with little problems.
Vampires don't have to sleep, so when its two a.m. and you're being trigger happy, you have SOMEONE to talk to you and make it better. Let's not forget vampires (possibly) can read you mind so you never have to explain those annoying little things that you just don't wanna explain.
Vampires can take you anywhere really fast, for that perfect romantic date.
Vampires give a different insight into the world that will be all together refreshing.

Yeah. I Totally Won. Except for the math test part. That's a good point. But,
"Vampires know more than your mother."?
Not if they live a million years darling.. even when the names and ages and what they claim to be change over time..not in a million years. Most definitely not in four : )

© 2013 All Rights Reserved by MOTPG
Protected by Copyscape plagiarism checker - duplicate content and unique article detection software.


  1. These are true and valid points and a valuable example of always listen don't just prepare your mental argument. You learn a lot that way. Like I have here, and now I'm ready to take on my son's girlfriend.

  2. Mothers rule and vampires drool!

  3. I know you ultimately won, but she is a formidable opponent. Well played mom and middlest. And yeah, you totally needed a blog.

    1. I know, right? That one was tough because I actually am a Big Vampire Fan-with the exception of Twilight. I have to admit I'm a Buffy groupie. Spike beats that glittery thing any century ; )

  4. LOL OMG this is hilarious. This was his modern day pick up lines! LOL I would love to see how he writes today.
    Know more than your mother? LOL AHAHAHA Sneak in your room...I think I had a vampire boyfriend. LOL

    1. Yeah, that line gave me some pause. I started busting into her room in the middle of the night unannounced. That's why I won-she didn't think it through : )


Just Humor Me....

Search This Blog