Sunday, April 28, 2013

Sunday 12:13 PM

I came to my computer trying to think of a post but ended up spending half an hour going through photo's. Watching our family over the past few years. We will have a lot of changes this year but I know that some things will never change. Who we are always has it's inner core.

Littlest who spent her early teenage years hiding in a hoodie and keeping to herself except for occasional inappropriate comments or scathing insults on 'people', spent the weekend two weeks ago at a boot camp simulation, field day type event between different regional recruiting offices, with the the other delayed entry 'poolee's for the Marine Corps. She competed in the crunches category because she still had a cast on her arm but is looking forward to next time because she is capable of doing 7 pull ups and is her recruiting offices secret weapon. She has met some other poolees she likes and it gives her some friends to work out with. The following weekend her cast was off and she turned into a princess. Looking drop dead gorgeous, she went to the prom with her boyfriend and other high school friends and being discerning young people, they spent most of the evening in a side room, where a jazz band was playing instead of the fray in the main ballroom and apparently she Actually Danced.  Last night she went to a club with a bunch of people in the 25 to 40 year old range from her Jiu Jitsu class to watch some of their team mates MMA fighting. She wasn't competing but may have wished she was when a young man from a different school, who had seen her fight before, told her, "Pretty girls shouldn't join the Marines." Which drew from her the statement, "People are weird. I think I'll go back to being anti social."

Biggest has been being Biggest and is up and down with worry and fretting.  Her boss is Peruvian and Biggest told me the other day she asked her what she would do after the baby was born. She told Biggest, "You will come back to work? Your Mama will watch the baby for you. That is how everyone does it in Peru."

I said: Heh..ha ha...hahahahahahahhahha.

Biggest said: Yeah. That's what I told her.

I'm five months from being done. I love her and I'm excited but- oh hell no.

However, she has had her first ultra sound and though it's early yet, everything looks fine. She and Decent Guy told me they are pretty certain they are having a dinosaur.

And Middlest? Middlest will always be Middlest. No matter how old she grows. She didn't even flinch when Biggest said that she was picking Littlest to be God Mother, because if something happened and they left the baby to Mid she would set it down and wander off and forget where she put it. She had no argument for that. The other day I noticed she had been off of work for awhile and I hadn't heard from her. And even though she's going on 20 I still worry. So I sent my generic message: Where's You?

She replied: Sword Fighting

She then sent a photo of herself and a friend with PVC in a parking lot. I told her not to run with pipes. She replied with a picture of a hole in her forehead-captioned-Good Advice

I said, I know you well.

I'm actually very proud of her. She's started going to a different church on her own and is painting a mural for their youth room.I think she may be learning to just be Mid without other people doing the steering. And that is a very good thing.

So that's what we've been up to. Just being us. As it stands on a Sunday. at 12:13 PM

I missed the moon a bit but I think this is still appropriate : )

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Sunday, April 21, 2013

I Think I Should get a Back Seat Driving Award


I not only am one of the worlds most anally careful drivers I also am a paranoid passenger. I am usually the SeaMonkeys passenger. I wouldn't say the SeaMonkey is a bad driver. He isn't one of these people who speeds and weaves in and out of traffic, cuts people off and and runs red lights. He does have a tendency to get distracted though. He is one of those drivers that will be driving over a bridge and be looking over the side the whole time, pointing out to me, "Hey look at that!", while I clutch the door handle and keep my eyes glued to the road, because Somebody Has To! He also fidgets in the car, looking for stuff, digging in the glove compartments, while he weaves just a tiny bit back and forth and I keep a sharp lookout in the side mirror for possible traffic disasters. Sometimes he does this while stopped at lights and asks me to tell him when it turns green. He also waits till the last minute to hit his brakes when he's coming to a stop, while I squinch my eyes closed and brace my feet on the floor mats preparing for impact. He Does Not, Drive and Text! for which I am very proud of him...even though he doesn't text at all. He does sometimes play with his phone, turning on the GPS, but I yell at him to 'give me that-you drive!'..ok sometimes I might close my eyes and think, "the Seamonkey is a bad driver."
 I also am ever at the ready to yelp, Look Out! They're Stopping! There's Someone Coming! STOP! Which displeases him greatly. I know I'm not the only one who does this because I earned my backseat drivers license from my mother. She was a great teacher. And whenever I use those skills my husband echoes my father exactly.
"I Saw It!""Don't do that! You startled me! "YOU"RE going to make me have an accident.

So I began saying it very calmly and quietly. "that car is coming over." " they are slowing down."
But that didn't help either. The Seamonkey always told me; If you want to drive that's fine. Otherwise, don't say anything. If I get in a wreck it will be my problem.
Except...I'm in this car too...but ok....I'll keep quiet. And for some time now I have. I just tense up in my seat and look at my lap and pretend I don't know what's going on and think the words in my head, "we're gonna die.". Every now and then an OH! escapes me at a close call but I don't give directions. I zip my lip. Most of the time...sometimes...

So. Last week we were working out of town. We left our hotel on the drive to our destination and stopped at the end of a long line of cars at a red light. The Seamonkey suffers from terrible allergies at this time of year. He gets hives when he cuts the grass. So his eyes were bothering him and he started digging for his eye drops. And he put them in. He didn't ask me to tell him when the light turned green, so I didn't. Besides, we were very far back in line and he was way to close to that guys bumper and he hadn't started moving yet and I would probably startle the SeaMonkey and he would hit the gas too quick and end up hitting that car because he would get angry if I pointed out they weren't moving. The cars near the front were beginning to move forward and I just looked down at my lap and pretended I didn't know what was going on.

You know what happened next right?

The Seamonkey looked up, saw green and hit the gas-and went straight into the bumper of the car in front of us. yep.


Luckily, this was an very kindly older man and it was low speed, so hopefully he won't wake up with whiplash just when we thought it was over.

As for the SeaMonkey he told me; "You can't say anything today. Just give me today and then you can harass me all you want. I know I have it coming. You can laugh at me tomorrow.

I said, I'm not going to harass you. I won't laugh about it.

He asked, You aren't going to harass me or say anything about this?

No, I replied, I really only have one thing to say:
  The first time I don't warn you , you have an accident.


I didn't say I wouldn't say I wouldn't harass him on my blog ; )

P.S. Sorry about the annoying word verification but Anonymous finally got on my last nerve. Like they really think I get enough views to make their Spam worthwhile. The only consolation is knowing that they're wasting their time. I didn't want to block Anonymous comments because that's how my family comments (I like family Spam : ) and occasionally someone randomly finds me and actually takes the time to read and comment. That's lovely.

So please do put on your readers and try to decipher that mess.

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Friday, April 5, 2013

Mothers, Daughters Something Like the Circle of Life and a Fun Surprise at the Bottom of the Box

I started writing this post in the middle of last week but I didn't have time to finish. Which was a good thing. Because it wasn't finished. Events unfolded that changed the whole direction. Brought it around in a circle so to speak. Something like the circle of life : )

No it isn't Mothers Day. It also isn't the anniversary of my mothers death, which is in September.   And it isn't my mothers birthday. That was actually in mid March and I totally forgot because it was the day I had drive downtown and cross two bridges to take Littlest to the Orthopedic Specialist to get a cast on a broken hand.  So I was very distracted and knowing my mother, I'm sure, I hope, she would completely understand and forgive me. I felt horrible the next day when I realized I'd forgotten.

 One of my mothers favorite movies was, I Remember Mama. I always liked it too. And I liked the books she shared with me. And going shopping. We shared that too.  I was the baby of the family and we spent a lot of time together.  From the time I was very small I remember following her around the mall. eating at Piccadilly. Next we would have ice cream by the fountain and I would get a penny to throw in with a wish. Then she would dip a napkin in the fountain and give me a good scrub right in the middle of the mall. My parents continued to spoil me from time to time long after I was grown. Something pretty for my house. New pots and pans. A new outfit. Always a new outfit or some awesome shoes that I looked at longingly in the store. And the grandbabies brought on a new round of spoiling because there was nothing my mom liked better than loading up the stroller and hitting the children's department to find pretty things for the girls. Then we would go to lunch. This was a pattern from my earliest childhood all the way into my thirties. That's how I remember my Mama. I miss my mother so much but, unlike other lost members of my family, I don't even have a special date or time of year that I think of her or write about my memories of her. She is always present in my life as though she isn't really gone. Her voice echoing in my ear. "You're Welcome. I Love You. "Can she hear, Thank You, I Love You too? I think so. And sometimes I think I catch a glimpse, a little message that she is still being my mom. March was a very eventful month for our family and I know she is looking out for us. And perhaps she was getting my attention. Letting me know that motherhood doesn't end and I had more work ahead of me.

Last week during spring break I took Littlest shopping. She desperately needed new jeans and also some shorts for summer. Since Middlest is a 'grown up' now I didn't take her with us. She buys her own things. But I found myself missing bringing her along too. It is much quieter these days with only the baby of the family to shop for. To be honest I was a little irritable and not really in the mood. I left her in the Juniors section and wandered off to the grown up clothes but within minutes my phone rang. "Where are you? Come back and help me." I heaved a sigh. Fiiine. Then she gave me a guilt trip about how this was the last time I ever had to buy clothes for her and she would be gone in November and I wouldn't have to do this anymore. I noticed she was holding a pale blue sundress that definitely wasn't on the list but she smiled and said, "It's Amazing!" "Yes, I replied, but you don't need it. " I know, she said, I just want to try it on for fun and see how it looks on me."  After awhile she was ready for the dressing room which is a place that often makes me want to strangle her but I leaned against the wall and waited..and waited..and waited ; ).for her to pop out with each outfit and give her my opinion. The first thing that popped out was the blue dress accessorized with a smile like a beacon. "Yeah, that looks cute on you," I told her.

 As I held up the wall a blond woman in her early thirties came in with a couple of things and closed her stall door. A short time later a heavy set woman in the sixtyish range popped her head in and looked around and called out a name. Around the corner the blond woman peeked out but didn't see anyone. I told the older woman she was around the corner and she came in holding a few more blouses. Finding what was obviously her daughters changing room she went in with her. I half listened as they chatted about each outfit. The daughter trying to decide what she liked best. The mom making suggestions, mentioning that one top would look good with her daughters jeans skirt and you could never go wrong with a jeans skirt and finally hinting that they all would do. The door opened and the mom walked out with the hand full of hangers. Her daughter followed close behind. As she passed me the younger woman quietly said, Thanks Mom, to her mothers departing back. You're welcome hon, she casually threw back over her shoulder with a smile. They disappeared into the store. And I...I felt like something precious had been ripped out of me. And I started crying. Right there in the middle of the damn changing rooms, tears started to trickle down my face and I couldn't stop them. Because I missed my mom. I missed her more than anything in this world. I remembered the little smile and sparkle in her eye when she would say, "I'll get it for you." "No Mom!", I would protest but she would answer, "I want to." I recognized that almost embarrassed thankfulness in the daughters voice. Something that we may feel as adults when we are reminded that our parents never really stop caring for us. As well as the muted joy in the mothers voice that she has done something for her child to show her love. That she still enjoys spoiling her a little. Because no matter how old we are we are our mothers 'babies.' Our mothers always love us. You never stop having a mom or being one.

Littlest came out and I told her to hold up a second before we went back in the store. She looked up at me, and immediately concerned, asked what happened. I felt ridiculous but told her and My Baby, my Littlest, stood in the middle of the dressing room with a cast on one hand and an armload of clothes in the other and gave me a huge hug. "I'm sorry", she said,  I love you." I said, I love you too." Even though I felt even more ridiculous crying with her clutching me to the point of nearly knocking me over in the middle of a department store changing room. And she is a sweetheart. And it won't be long before she isn't there to give me hugs awkward or otherwise.

I've been focused on the endings. The fact that my youngest child will be graduating soon and will be gone in the fall. I've been thinking, with some delight, of the sudden freedom that will bring. After 26 years of parenting it will be over. Because I'll be finished. And mixed with my delight at that freedom is some sadness. Because I'll be finished. And because my mom isn't here to see how everything is turning out.
 Though I sometimes feel I miss that mother daughter relationship in my life, the truth of it is, though the circumstances have been spun around, I still have one, don't I? I have three. I just needed to be reminded.

 As we left the store I heard Littlest, "Thank You". I smiled, "You're Welcome."
 And you can bet your ass she had that blue dress in the bag : )

Later in the week Middlest was in tears because she needed new clothes and didn't want to get into her savings. Then her tax return check showed up so I suggested that we go shopping. Just us. Something that was rare the entire time she was growing up. I enjoyed watching her model her outfits. I could relish that though she is 'growing' away into an adult. She isn't 'going' away. Not just yet. She's always been the easiest to shop with and we oohed and ahhed over dresses we had no place to wear but would if we did. As we waited in the check out line she nodded at me to look behind me. I heard the excited banter and joking tones. It was some grandparents. I turned around to see an impeccably dressed gray haired women holding a large Horton (Horton Hears a Who) and a jolly grandpa loaded with baby paraphernalia, obviously on a grand baby shopping spree, followed by a young woman with a tiny baby in a sling. Middlest became giggly. And I? I teared up again, only just slightly, in the middle of the same damn department store. This time over grandparents and babies. Because a couple days before.....

Biggest called.
 She said: There are two pink lines on this thing but the second one is a little blurry.
What does that mean?


It means that in November when My Littlest will be graduating from boot camp and leaving home for good, someone else will be arriving.  It means that while my first baby will always be my baby, she isn't a baby anymore. And I have come full circle.

We were working out of town on Monday. When we arrived at our hotel I glanced at our room number. 313. And that, that is my mothers birthday: )

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Wednesday, April 3, 2013

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