Monday, April 18, 2011

Church Mom Blonde

For the past week or so I have been sweeping up shattered hearts.  The initial explosion flinging fragments into the corners of our world. I gather them up in my dustpan for mending. After the initial commotion all will be quiet for a time and then from the next room I hear a small clink. From behind a bedroom door a spray of tinkling chimes hitting the floor. I swoop in with my broom to carefully gather the pieces that I know will fit back together. The hearts will be made whole again. I know this. But they are never quite the same. On first glance the surface appears to be unchanged but to the makers eye the hairline fractures are visible. If you look inside you might see tiny chips left by minuscule moments disintegrated into dust and never retrieved.  The repairs will make them stronger in the end. Shore them up and add some reinforcement to guard against future blows.  I spun them too fine. Only fit for velvet upholstered cases with the word 'Fragile' carefully hand lettered on fine paper cards.
I should have used a machine shop. Crafted them with stainless steel. Easily bleached clean and scratches sand out. No dents. No rust. Just a little polish now and then and good to go. But I sweep. Endlessly gathering microscopic pieces returned to sand.

Biggest called. She wanted to know if she needed to scare any boys.

I said, ok......I mean I said, "NO PLEASE DO NOT DO THAT."

When the world around me seems out of control. When everything becomes scattered in all directions and I can't seem to get it together. I usually look in the mirror and find I'm looking pretty scattered too.  It always seems that outside turmoil takes root on my head. I'll look and realize my ends are scraggly and breakage is dancing about the crown and the color has gone dull or grown out to my ears and I am the poster child for the mess around me. So I take action.

I cut my hair.

Not short. Just to the shoulders. Short has never suited me but I don't think Hag does either so it has to be done. And afterword I feel a little shocked. And strangely more capable.

 It was time to redo my highlights as well. I knew this because I was in the store with Littlest recently under that wonderful lighting and she suddenly looked at me and then came very close peering at the top of my head and said,

"Wow, I haven't really looked at your hair lately. You are really getting old."

 I am that blonde as a child turned kind of Spanish moss color naturally with a good amount of gray thrown in. Very light highlights work best for me and I like them because they blend more naturally and my roots are more subtle as they grow in. But. I had to face facts. The fact is I still have some damage and the bleaching really fries my hair. The gray doesn't like it either. And It's also a pain in the butt to do and I didn't feel like messing with it. So. It wasn't a good idea.

I would have to completely color.

 I have done it from time to time but never have been happy with the result. A couple of years ago I was in the store with Middlest and looking at a box of color when she exclaimed, "No, don't do that!" When I asked why she answered,

 "That's Church Mom Blonde!"

She explained that when sitting in church she would look around and ALL of the blonde moms.. had the same color hair. She sweetly told me that she thought my hair was pretty the way I did it and I didn't look like everyone else. The next time I went to church I checked and Oh My Goodness. She was right. So that took care of that. I vowed to never become a Church Mom Blonde.

Being really smart I took Middlest to the store with me. I carefully scrutinized all the possibilities and picked up a box to read it. Once again I heard, "No, don't do that! It's Church Mom Blonde." I explained that it just had to be done and asked her opinion, "Which one doesn't look like Church Mom Blonde?"
To which she scanned the shelves and answered, "They all DO."

So.  I look at the boxes claiming color depth and glittering highlight and


But I convince myself that maybe technology has improved the results and I really will have that pretty blend of bronze and gold with silver strands gilding it. Look, on the box it says my dark blonde will will glow golden and my gray will shine with shimmering light.


One of the reasons I color my own hair is that I actually know what I'm doing. Or at least I did 20 years ago so I figure I'm safe. Despite the green gray cast to my natural hair I know that hidden deep in the shaft are insidious red molecules generated by my Irish ancestors. So I choose a 'cool' shade to counteract brassiness.

"Champagne Blond."

They didn't mention it would be PINK CHAMPAGNE

which is what I saw when I was toweling my hair after coloring. I had a moment of total panic and ran outside to see if it could be true. Thank Goodness. It was only a dull flat shade of "Church Mom Blonde." Until I went back in the bathroom. Which is when it occurred to me that some time ago we replaced all our bulbs with fluorescent. Whoo, that was close. I will blend in with all the other church moms and not be noticed at all. As long as I never am under fluorescent lights again.

But that's ok. I decided it might be kind of fun. I little bit of rebellion. A little bit of kick to show that I'm Not Your Typical Church Mom.

Until this morning in the kitchen when Littlest looked at me sadly and said, "Mom, don't color your hair anymore. Face it."


Moon Music For My Second and Third Phases of Child Developement.

My friend Nicole  may feel free to ROTFL at me and my hair ; )

© 2011 All Rights Reserved


  1. Wise child! I am to old to hide it with hair color.

  2. Lady - you can color your hair BLUE if you want to! Color it all you want - cause baby, you're a firework!!

  3. I'm so happy I waited to drink my cup of joe late. Oh if I could have made my kids out of stainless steel or better yet my daughter have Micheal Jordan genes. But then I would probably have created a monster. Church Mom Blonde!?!!!!ROTFL if that is a Blog title I don't know what is! Glad it was just your lighting.I know you have a cosmetology license in your wallet :)

  4. Church Mom Blonde. She really is wise beyond her years. And apparently we're gray beyond ours.

  5. GB's Mom: She truly is a wise child. But geez, a little white lie now and then...

    Peryl: I have to wait till I'm a little old lady to go blue. My granmothers was the prettiest lavender! Thanks for being my Best cheerleader ; )

    Nicole: It's in there somewhere. Under some dry cleaning tickets, a package of golf tee's, a few dry rotted pacifiers, Surf Expo badges and and a hand full of computer jacks ; )

    Bibliomama: Allison she is wise and responsible for 1/3 of my gray hair : )

  6. I've always regretted dying my hair brown after being blonde my entire's so hard to go back as they say.

    Those Greys are pesky!!

  7. Church Mom Blonde: I will never get that out of my head.

  8. Somehow they know, don't they?

    We are moms not like the rest.

  9. Connie: I've done mine red a couple times but sure enough it comes out purple ; )

    KLZ: It haunts me everywhere I go.

    Empress: That's what they say : )I wouldn't have it any other way.

  10. I still haven't decided if I'm gonna color my 8 gray hairs or not. I guess when it climbs to 16, I'll figure it out.

  11. Erica: Oh for the days I had so few. Mine completely snuck up on me under all that highlighting!

  12. ok hysterical. church mom blonde. ::snort::

    but you are NOT too old to color. please don't say that because then i will have to go gray WAY before i will be willing to. i'd rather go with church mom blonde. i've been going gray since 26, so there was no way i was going to let that happen.

    however, maybe you have solved the reason for why no matter what color i actually dye mine, it ends up reddish. darn that macintyre blood.

  13. No, I have to disagree! Church Mom Blonde (which has such a terrific ring to it!) far surpasses Old Mother Hubbard Grey-Roots. Anything is better than looking old!

  14. Elissa: No, I won't be giving it up! I could go Knockout News Lady Platinum but it would take gallons of toner and I'd have to carry a touch up bottle around in my purse for my roots ; )

    Sandra: True! I'm hoping the pink will lift the eye and distract from my wrinkles : )

  15. Oh the broken hearts! Hope they mend soon. I am not ready for this part of the program, but I know it is coming. I hope I am strong enough.
    And the hair. Lord, the issues I have with my hair. You made me laugh out loud with the comment about short not suiting, but neither does hag. Me too. I do not look sassy with short hair, but matronly. But I don't look so hot with the scraggly long hair either, and my daughter took a good look at me in daylight last week and started to cry about my streaks of gray hair because she doesn't want me to get old. That made me feel great. I have three boxes of unused color at home stuff in my bathroom, and am too scared to use them. My hair punishes me severely when I chemically treat it. Thanks for pushing me over the edge and convincing me to just throw them out. There is no good answer to this problem. Maybe fashionable hats, or hippie bandanas, I'm not sure. But thanks for the laugh this morning, and thank goodness you did not go CMB, and thank goodness for the brutal honesty of our children to keep us grounded.

  16. I have never colored my hair, but I know there will come a day when I have to. I didn't think it would be very soon. A few days ago, Hubs fingered my hair and said, "What are 'we' going to do about these grays?" What are WE going to do about it? He deserved a silent treatment.

  17. Mel: Your daughter is a Sweetheart! I was a great wearer of hats when I was young. Maybe I'll take it up again now that I'm getting old ; )

    Sweetest: AH! You should buy a purple wig and tell him 'WE' like this color!

  18. Too funny! Isn't it amazing how good you feel after a good cut and color.

    Since my hair is dark -- or at least the part that isn't gray -- I've had the opposite happen. I believed the lie on the box and ended up looking very, very Goth.

  19. Ok your not old! (You're only as old as you feel, right?) Now so far I haven't gone the highlight route, but I'mso real close. When I do, I'm thinking a drastic change will be in order...

  20. AE: Ah Yes, the time I tried to go auburn I ended up with Goth Girl Plum. Weeks of hilarity for my family. Make that years...they never forget.

    Susan: I feel about 800 ; ) Be careful with the drastic changes. You could end up in the Goth Mom Club with AE and I!


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